Growing up, it was difficult for me to ask for help or express my needs. As an adult and outside the context of my immediate family, I have learned how to do that, and try to make myself clear at the moment, rather than bottling it up inside.
As I look towards the future of parenting this child, I have practiced this more and more, and along the way have been comforted by the many people who have extended themselves verbally to me, saying that they will be there for me and this child, that I can always ask for help, no matter what time of day.
Well, actions speak louder than words.
Several of the key people upon whom I have been relying as the birth gets closer have not only not been helping, but have made me feel that they cannot and will not make the time for me. There are only so many times when I can ask for assistance -and we are not talking about major projects here - and be ignored, or be told that it is simply not convenient for them.
Yes, I know that people have their own families and their own lives, but if you cannot follow through, don't offer in the first place.
Then there are my parents, who have very readily fallen into the role of potential guests in my house. They are meant to be coming to help me after the birth, but because I have spent my whole life being the psychologist and facilitator, the grown up in the house even as a child, they have left all the arrangements in my lap. I am contacting the travel agent and arranging for their lodging. I am sending them the list of their friends here in Israel, while they talk about what a wonderful vacation they will have when they come.
Here I thought that the breastfeeding, exhausted pregnant woman and their new grandchild would be the focus of this trip. But as my friend and acupuncturist reminded me today, I will only be disappointed if I have any expectations.
5 comments:
sorry about people you are counting on disappointing you. i felt the same way when after my daugter was born-- the community we lived in basically did not help us with meals even though they seemed to do this for everyone else and we were moving 10 days after she was born. this might help-i heard rabbi reisman speak about happiness and what it is based on-he said happiness is based on expectstions. if gas costs $3.00 and you find it for $2.00 you are happy, but if you find it for $4 you are unhappy even though a year ago gas cost $4.25. you are expecting your parents to help you when they come-b/c they are not talking about helping you but having a vacation you are unhappy. perhaps, they are nervous about the birth and cannot express it so they talk about it as a vacation. when they see how tired you are and the cuteness of the grandbaby, perhaps they will be more helpful. if you do not expect alot, and they do help out, you wll be happier.
You are right when you say you are a faciliator to your parents - you send them a list of all their friends in Israel? Isnt that a way of saying - here hang out with these people why you are here because I dont want you around? Instead, maybe you should tell your parents, I know there are a lot of people in Israel you would like to see, but I really need some help.
Gosh, I know how you feel about asking for help and being the grown up around your parents. It really stinks when you are the one in need of help. I don't think my mother visited me for the first week once I was out of the hospital after I had my baby. Luckily, I had a sister in law who organized people to make meals for me every night. I know it is hard to ask but see if there are any other people in your life who you can ask for help. You might be surprised that there is someone who you didn't think about that is very eager to help you. I wish I could come to Israel and help you!
My sending my parents the list of their friends in Israel was primarily a response to their questions, "What do we do if we get to Israel and you are still in the hospital?" I thought that by giving them various options, it would help them plan their trip for sooner rather than later.
Instead, the response I got, especially from my mother, was "Oh, those are great people, I can't wait to see them."
Believe me, I have several million times said in the last few months, "You know that you are coming to Israel to help me..." but it seems to me that parent-child patterns are so ingrained, that even me becoming a mother and living in a foreign country and running my own business, I am still the grown-up in the relationship with my parents.
If you recognize that your parents aren't going to be much help for you, I hope you are making alternative help arrangements, like a post birth doula or extra cleaning help or maybe a few really close friends who could be available for support.
It doesn't sound like your parents are going to be the roll up the sleeves and get cracking type of people. You'll need help with meals and baby holders to get rest. Plan accordingly.
(an alternative option is spending a few extra days in the milonit at Haddassah, where at least you'll know that you'll have someone to take the baby to get rest and I think they have pretty good BF support).
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