Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Date, Part II

I met with this gentleman at a coffee house near my apartment, and it was so early that we were the only ones there, and the waitress ignored us for a good five minutes, while they were setting up for the day. In those five minutes, this man muttered, mantra-like, under his breath, "The waitress should come over to us. Someone should go get the waitress." At which point I got up and said, "Alright, I shall go call the waitress."

When the waitress came over, for some reason she had forgotten the breakfast menus, and so I requested that she bring them. This man said, "Boy, you are a bossy one, aren't you?" I thought to myself, "No, you are wimp who is looking to marry your mother, a woman who will take care of the man/child in your 43 year old body."

The rest of the conversation was pleasant enough, but not enough for me to be interested in seeing him again, and I certainly did not see the need to disclose the fact that I am "with child." As the date ended, I thanked him for breakfast and told him that I did not see this working in the long term.

Perhaps my idea of a stable and equally beneficial marriage with my best friend and lover, father of my/our children sets the bar a bit high, but for now I am sticking with it.

Of course to Mr. Clueless, "no" still does not mean "no", and so he called me last night, when I was out of the house, attending celebrations for Israel's 61rst birthday. I hate to take the passive-aggressive route, but perhaps if I simply ignore the phone message he will understand.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

The Dating Disclosure Dilemna

A matchmaker called me this week, I had not spoken to this woman in several years. She asked if I was available, and I said "yes," neglecting to inform her that I was pregnant. She suggested a forty-something divorced man with two children, whom she supposedly knows personally; I gave her permission to give him my cell phone number.

The first time he called, it was past 11 pm and I was sleeping at the time. The second time he called, it was the night of Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Rememberence Day), in the middle of the national ceremony, and I implied that I felt it inappropriate to socialize when the country was mourning six million dead Jews. The third time he called, he wanted to get together for a date on Yom Hazikaron, the national day of mourning in Israel for its dead soldiers.

We have tentatively set up to meet for breakfast this coming Monday, before Yom Hazikaron. I already have some doubts regarding his common sense.

Afterwards, I thought about the fact that this man (and the matchmaker) do not know that I am pregnant, and that this could be an important point of information. When I mentioned this to my mother in passing, she initially snarled at me for even considering not dating while pregnant, and then advised me to date this man until he was "addicted" to me, and then to casually inform him that I came as a package deal.

This approach strikes me as totally inappropriate in its dishonesty, and it only reflects my mother's continuing desperation to see me married, even if it means I am miserable or the pairing was obtained through deception. The Big Lie is the one thing I do not abide, both in my own behaviour and from my friends; why would I want to poison a relationship that way?

When I became pregnant, I held no illusions regarding my dating life for the next nine months. A woman with a child is quite a different story than a woman growing a baby inside her, regardless of the fact that I can still look skinny in a pair of jeans.

My father felt that I should meet this man in person, and asses whether I even want to spend time with him, and then decide regarding the timing or more so, the need, to mention the baby. My brother - who at the moment is trying to set up a friend of his, a highly functioning deaf person - believes that this child represents an integral part of me, my choices and my future, and that it should not be hidden. I could not agree more.

My friend (AS), one of the few single male friends I have left, felt so strongly that he wanted me to cancel the date altogether. That if he were in that position, he would want to know that his potential blind date was with child.

I plan to meet this man for coffee, rather than break the news over the phone before hand. To me, it is the most honest and respectful way to handle this situation.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Amazing Grace

In the past two months, I have had two major ultra-sounds and three blood tests. The wonderful fruition of the poking and scanning arrived yesterday: I received the results of the Integrated Testing and Genetic Testing, and according to these results, my child (despite my 'advanced' age) is thank G-d healthy, with only a 1 in 12,000 chance of having a birth defect. The statistical average for my age is generally a scary 1 in 75.

Which means, no amnio for me, and it means that approximately half way through my pregnancy, I have only three major exams left.

When I spoke to my doctor about the results yesterday, I could not contain my joy, and afterwards burst out spontaneously in song, a heart-felt rendition of "Amazing Grace." The Universe and I are truly in a good place at the moment.

Of course, because I lost about eight kilo during the first trimester, I am not yet showing; and as of my last weigh-in at the gynecologist, my weight has been stable for the last two months. Who knew that pregnancy could provide the ultimate diet?! Yet, every morning I wake up and examine myself in the mirror, and think to myself, "Am I fat today?" It makes me laugh, women spend their whole life trying to look sexy and thin, and I want to have a belly.

On a sad note, the whole question of how to break the news to my ultra-conservative grandfather has become moot. He fell into a coma several weeks ago, and is being sustained on all sorts of life support machinery. Today would have been his 91rst birthday, happy birthday Zaide.