Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The Bus Ride

This morning, after dropping Raphaela off for her first 'school outing' to the Botanical Gardens in Jerusalem, I hopped on a bus towards the center of town, to pick up some office supplies.  It was the same bus line that I had taken in and out of a year, during my fertility treatments and early pregnancy, the route toward Hadassah Hospital.

As I sat on the bus, thinking about that year, waking up very early so I could get to the hospital early, and finish blood tests and ultra-sounds and doctor consultations (still early); and then start my official work day at 8:30 am, having experienced a whole morning already.  Doing these procedures over and over, sometimes four times a week, and feeling exhausted emotionally and physically by the end of the day.

Perhaps today, for the first time, I admitted to myself that as a single parent, as much as I would like to give Raphaela a sibling, it would be logistically improbable, unless I was married.  Not only do I want to conceive my next child the "fun" way, but without baby sitting and a real commitment of support from those around me, I do not have enough hours in the day, nor do I have the energy to be pregnant, work full time and take of Raphaela properly.  And that is all before a second child would be brought into the world, demanding my attention and having those most basic needs.

Saying this aloud gives me a sense of relief as much as sadness, I am so thankful for what I have and plan to appreciate it, rather than yearn for what might be missing.

2 comments:

koshergourmetmart said...

it's great you've come to this realization on your own. I am sure you will be much happier for it!

midlifesinglemum said...

I know exactly what you mean. Have you read my blog-post An only child? here is the link but it's easier just to go to my blog and scroll down the right-hand side.
http://midlifesinglemum.blogspot.com/2011/03/only-child.html

Lot od love - Rachel