"Don't panic, everything is OK."
Funny how that sentence tells you that in fact there is every reason to panic, and that everything is most definitely not OK.
(It reminds me of the time in high school, during the construction of the new building. In the middle of class, the principal got on the loud speaker and said, in the most un-relaxed voice possible, "Don't panic, everything is OK. Please leave the school building quietly and quickly." Turns out there was a major gas leak and the next stray spark would have burned us all to a crisp.)
The head of Raphaela's nursery called me to tell me that I should not be shocked when I picked up my daughter today, that after 'the incident' she ate and played and slept as she normally does. The head of Raphaela's nursery assured me that there seemed to be no lasting emotional trauma. The head of Raphaela's nursery encouraged me, saying that at least his nails were not sharp, or it could have been much worse.
The Incident: One of the boys in the older group, let's call him Adam, came upon my sweet daughter sleeping. In a fit of uncontrollable rage, transference from his jealousy issues with his younger sister at home, he started clawing at Raphaela's face with purpose, violence and malice.
This boy, let's call him Adam, was immediately expelled from nursery, permanently. My daughter looks like she was mauled by wild dogs, or perhaps the comic anti-hero Wolverine.
Based upon the description of the event and Raphaela's face, I have no doubt in my mind that he will be cutting off heads of innocent animals in a few years, and will be in jail by the age of 20. How proud his parents must be, raising the next Ted Bundy.
I truly believe that children come into this world 100%, and it is we parents who can either help them achieve their potential, or ruin them before they get out of the starting gate.
When I got to the nursery and looked at her face, I started crying. Had they not intervened when they did, Raphaela might have needed surgery. ("It all happened in a moment..." they told me.) Several of the assistant teachers could not look me straight in the eye, and when they tried to speak to me, I could see the guilt, shock and horror in their face.
I am horrified that a child who is not even three years old could perpetuate such a violent act. I am angry as Hell at his parents, who have obviously dropped the ball here, though I don't know what occurs in their home. I am angry that my daughter was the victim of a disturbed child. I am angry at myself, thinking that somehow I could have protected her and prevented this.
I am less angry at the staff at the nursery, because they reacted appropriately to the situation, and gave Raphaela the proper medical care on site. I can't blame them for not watching a sleeping child when others were awake, or for not automatically considering the possibility of a demon in their midst.
The rational part of me knows that Raphaela will heal from this, and this boy is to be pitied. Raphaela's mother wants to hurt his parents as much as I am hurting right now.
When I was growing up, I knew a boy who was "born angry," he often tortured cats and bullied the other children on our block and at school. He had several set backs in his life, and rather than take responsibility for his choices, he hid behind his "lousy childhood" and ineffective parenting. He barely made it through college. I found out recently that as an adult, the pattern continues; he cheated on his soon to be ex-wife, and abuses his three children.
7 comments:
woe - you are getting totally carried away. It is perfectly normal for kids to scratch each other in day-care in Israel. The nicest kids with the best parents can be biters and scratchers. Perhaps the teachers did not want to look you in the eye because you were crying and they were embarresed by that.
I hope Raphaela heals quickly - they usually do.
First of all it is great that RR is ok with it looks like some cosmetic issues that will heal shortly thanks to the timely intervention of the staff. she seems to have had a good reaction and was able to function normally afterwards. This is key. Like Ariela, I do think you are somewhat overeacting to this other child ascribing to him adult behaviors and motives forgetting he is not even 3 years old. here is some interesting info about 3 year old behavior http://www.education.com/question/3-year-control-don/ "when children are acting out, they actually, literally can't think. Their prefrontal cortex, which is the seat of reasoning, thinking, judgment, and impulse control, switches off when children are emotionally charged, and at those times, their behavior is then governed by their limbic system, the emotional and social center of their mind. During the moments when your little one is acting out, her limbic system has been flooded with powerful emotions. Only she knows what those feelings are, and why they are there, but two good guesses are the move--a set of changes that turn a child's world upside down, and unsettle their sense of safety, for sure, not to mention that grownups are working, working, working during a move, and have much less time to connect in with their children. Another underlying cause for her upsets could easily be having a younger sibling. The feelings of being pushed aside are there for every child, no matter how loving the parents!"
Even though it was an act with violence I am unsure you can classify him as a violent kid. My daughter had a friend who when she was 3 bit her. I did not think she was a violent and disturbed child;I thought that there might be an issue she could not express in a normal way so she bit her. I was not angry at her parents just like you should not be "angry as hell" as his parents. What RR needs is for you to be forgiving and calm not full of anger and what you would like to do to retaliate. I also would not compare him to Ted Bundy or say how proud his parents are-no parent is happy to hear that their child was out of control or hurt another child.
doc, I know how terrifying and horrible this is; we had a almost-3-yo pincher-biter in the parent-run daycare when my daughter was around RR's age, too. But the others are right, it doesn't mean the kid's an incipient serial killer. A lot of little kids just go through this, and they go for the babies a lot of the time. RR may even do it herself when she hits that age. In the meantime, the important thing is for the staff to be keeping an eye on this boy and making sure that RR is out of his reach. Because yes, "in a flash" is exactly how it happens. And usually the child outgrows it as the freaked-out adults are debating what kind of measures to take.
I'm glad Raphaela seems to have gotten over it quickly. They're here to give us heart attacks, you know. Just wait till you see her take off in traffic on a bike.
First, by way of update: last night I got two phone calls, one from the head of the Gan and one from the boy's father. The head of the Gan basically confirmed for me that this kid may not be "bad" but he certainly suffers from a behaviour disorder that is beyond the normal impulse control issues of a child who is almost three. She also told me that the parents were and are aware of this, and are in denial and therefore have not gotten him the care and treatment he needs.
This was confirmed by the second call, from the boy's father. He started out by apologizing and then basically said that his son is just having a difficult adjustment, that it must have been some sort of "misunderstanding," that his son wanted to play in Raphaela's stroller and didn't realize that she was in it, sleeping. "Maybe he stepped all over her face without realizing it." (Like that would have made it better, though it is a complete rewrite of what actually happened.) He ended the conversation by saying, in a resentful tone, "Well, because of this my son has been kicked out of the nursery, so you won't have to worry about him anymore."
As to my reaction to the event, I am not at all embarrassed, nothing could have prepared me for what I saw, as an objective person and certainly as her mother. I thank G-d that they stopped him before he damaged her eyes.
I will not take pictures of her this way or remind her of the event as she gets older, there is no reason to prolong the potential for trauma; but as her mother, surely it is natural to want to protect Raphaela, and it is just as natural to be angry that this event took place.
A slightly different perspective from my friend, Sarah:
"Oy, I'm so sorry for Raphaela and for you. How terrible!
If the attack was as purposeful and malicious as you say, and as extensive as you say, then this is NOT normal, even for a wild and free Israeli school. If it were, the teachers would not have called and they wouldn't have expelled the boy.
But I also disagree somewhat with your belief that all children come into the world 100%, and then are bad only if they get messed up. I think all kids are born with innate personality flaws that it is the parents' job to help them correct. Usually it's just things like self-centeredness, impatience and other common childhood 'midot.'
But if you have a child whose brain wiring is such that he WANTS to hurt others, that he takes pleasure in watching others suffer, then the parents really have their work cut out for them. In a best-case scenario, the parents would be super-talented and have a lot of resources and would succeed in teaching the child empathy.
But if you've got a really bad apple, then even competent parents, or those who lack resources, might be stymied about what to do.
I hope the parents are at least competent and will get this kid proper child psychiatric services soon. Being kicked out of daycare might be a wake-up call for that."
Actually, after seven years of israeli preschool, have to agree with Doc. They would only call AND expel the child if it was extraordinarily bad.
Refuah shleima to both of you. :(
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