I am the kind of person who reads the last chapter of a book before I start the first page, so I have some sense of how the story will come together. In other ways and in other parts of my life, I have learned to accept the transitory and uncertain nature of our day-to-day existence. Sometimes I even enjoy the suspense of having no clue, and seeing what the Greater Universe will throw at me.
When I was trying to decide whether to start the fertility process, a friend advised me that I don't want to end up in a place in my life that is not of my own choosing, because I refused to commit to a choice and play it out. When you make no choice, you allow an external force to decide your fate for you.
I have been applying that lesson in the last week, simply trying to gather information that will help me return some order to my plans for the day. When the workmen showed up and started digging last Thursday with no warning, a part of me felt angry and most of me felt relieved, at least I could say that the construction had begun, and plan accordingly.
Now I am playing telephone tag with the contractor, and with the owner of my apartment. I don't expect that all my decisions will be made for me, Fairy Godmother like, but am hoping that with answers to a few key questions, I can guide my choices.
How long will the construction take place? Do I have the option to live in my apartment for a few more months, and look for a new place at a leisurely pace? Are my child care plans confirmed for next year?
It would be nice not to wake up with a sense of dread.
To quote my dentist, when I asked him when Raphaela's teeth will come in, given that she has been drooling since two months: "It will all work out eventually."
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