Thursday, June 3, 2010

Caretaker Conflict

In the past two days, Raphaela's care taker has snapped at me in anger several times, leaving me wondering what is going on in her life to make her react to me like that, and wondering what I am doing to trigger that reaction. Actually it makes me feel terrible, and I would cry (because I can feel the emotion getting stuck inside me) but (a) no one seems to have the time to listen to me and therefore (b) I don't cry alone. Which makes me feel more alone.

After today's incident, I sat down at the computer and sent her an email saying essentially "Whatever I have done to you, unknowingly, I apologize." And then I wished her a better next week.

Because I don't want to piss off the person who is responsible for my daughter - my most treasured possession and the joy of my life- while I am working.

What I am actually thinking and wishing I could say is far different than the apology that makes no real sense. I am annoyed at her for deciding that she will take summer vacation three weeks earlier than every other private care taker I know. I am annoyed at her that even when she plans to work in July, she intends to end two hours earlier, so I must supplement my child care with a private baby sitter in the afternoon. I am annoyed that she sometimes talks at-me and not to-me; she can be very strict about certain elements of Raphaela's schedule, and then ignore my needs as a parent. The stairs on the way to her apartment kill me, and yet I never complain.

She has stress, yes, with her three children and husband. I have stress too, not that I am using the single parenthood as an excuse.

I want to move to a more modern apartment but my finances are shaky at the moment. When my finances are unstable, everything seems more tenuous. There are times during the week when an extra pair of hands and a supportive shoulder would do me a world of good. I wish I wasn't responsible all the time for everything in my life and Raphaela's life.

But that is what I chose, and I wouldn't trade the experience of watching Raphaela grow up for anything in the world.

3 comments:

koshergourmetmart said...

you should give the care taker the benefit of the doubt-she may not be acting professionally by snapping at you but if there is something serious going on with her/her family she may not be able to help it. As long as she does not take her and she probably does not feel comfortable sharing (her sharing her private problems would be highly unprofessional of her) as long as she does not snap at your daughter, don't take it so personally.
your being "annoyed" b/c she is taking an early vacation than other caregivers is unfair. there is no set rule on when people can take vacations-again it is an inconvenience to you. regasrding the stairs-you knew they existed when you hired her so you really cannot complain. If you are happy with the care she gets and how happy rafaella is, then stick with her;otherwise you should start looking for another caregiver or put her in a group place.

Doc said...

KGM,
I did give her the benefit of the doubt by my apologizing when I was the one whose feelings got hurt. I actually did make the assumption that it was not personal, that she was taking out on me vis a vis something going on in her life.
As far as her vacation time, she is taking liberties and has done so on and off throughout the year. Most care takers (public or private) finish on August 10th and take three weeks; that is the accepted rule here in Israel. She is stopping in the last week in July and is only working half days for that entire month.
For a working mother, it makes it more difficult, single or not.

Amy Charles said...

I'm sorry to hear about it, and of course it's not at all uncommon. I learned the hard way that caregiver gripes and increasingly erratic schedules meant I needed to find someone new.

You may want to sit down with her and ask her if she's happy in the job, if this is really what she wants to do. You're paying her money and you're the boss and the mother, and there are other caregivers. RR is still young enough to re-bond easily. Everyone has bad days, but you should not tolerate being snapped at routinely or being taken advantage of when it comes to scheduling. Don't let your caregivers push you around.

I must say, it doesn't seem to end. :) My daughter's violin teacher comes to the house, which is wonderful, but increasingly she wanted to use lesson time as personal therapy in which she told me her problems, or brought her dinner to eat it. She's a good teacher, but I've had to distance myself and learn to manage her.

To my mind, RR is still very young for a group place, but when she's ready for that your life will become much easier. The center will be open, rain or shine, bad moods or good moods, sick family or no.