Thursday, October 8, 2009

Journal from the Hotel

Some post-birth thoughts I had, while I was still enjoying the luxury of the baby hotel and before I went home this past Tuesday afternoon. Enjoy, and enjoy the recently posted photos of Raphaela.


I had the strangest and most wonderful existential moment today, looked at Raphaela while she was sleeping: I had the strongest feeling of deja vu, not as a woman looking at my three day old daughter, but looking at her face and into her soul, and knowing that I know her. She reminds me of someone, I don't know who, but she is not a stranger to me.

I came to another realization of a dream this morning, spurred on by a comment of the night nurse, "There's nothing like a first-born daughter."

Raphaela is now the fifth link in the chain of eldest daughters, going back to my Bubby's mother.


I have essentially been awake since three am, waiting for the nurses to call me to breast feed now that my milk has started to come in. (Which sort of defeats the purpose of having the staff there to babysit...and me to sleep.)

My milk is leaking every where and my breasts are heavy, and so I find myself just as dependent on her as she is on me. Only she can relive this pain. Amazing how nature insures the survival of these tiny beings.

I am also having trouble sleeping because I am at least partially ready to go back to my home, with my child, and to try to start figuring out the skills set needed for this new life. The many thoughts of being scared and a complete idiot when it comes to newborns have certainly plagued my brain as well. For the first real time in my existence, planning goes out the window, and my every action is dependent upon a four day old baby.