Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Been There Done That?

This morning, as I waited on line to sign up Raphaela for "public" Jerusalem Gan for next year, I thought to myself, "This could be the first and last time I need to think about this."

You see, since my period returned (once I stopped nursing), I have been basically spotting all month, and at the moment, my doctors and I are investigating the possible causes for this phenomenon.  My blood tests were clear, and the ultra-sound I took yesterday clean, thank G-d.   The women in our family have a history of fibroid overgrowth, leading to the necessity of a hysterectomy;  don't get me started on genetics vs environment...

Except that at the moment, there is no explanation for my fertility going haywire, and no one can guarantee that I will be able to have another child, should I choose to do so with a partner.

I have been critical of myself in the past as being one of those people who enjoys the chase and the challenge more than the result, both in terms of my professional life and my dating life. Once I accomplish my goal or finish a project, I get bored and need to move onto something new and different.  Over the years, I have attempted to hold onto to long-term passion and committment, and then all this started with the bleeding.

I find myself thinking, that's OK,  I was pregnant and loved it.  I have thank G-d a healthy and happy daughter, who absorbs all of my time and energy, for better or for worse.  The Mom thing?  Been there, done that, and now I can devote myself to raising our little family in the best way possible.   I need to be happy with what the Universe has blessed me, and enjoy every moment.

And yet there is that part of me that feels like I have taken a step backwards in my personal development, that I have given up, that my body has made a decision for me before I was ready.

2 comments:

Midlife Singlemum said...

It was nice to meet you this morning at the Gan registration - I hope you get your first choice. They couldn't deal with my first choice being Dati and my second choice being Mamlachti. Why does it matter for a 3yo?

Doc said...

I did the same thing, had a mixed dati-mamlachti preference, they ended up having to write it in by hand because the computer wouldn't accept my choices.