Friday, December 3, 2010

The Final Step, Acceptance

This morning I was sitting at my favorite bakery, having a Chanukah doughnut, when a former patient of mine passed by, on his bike.  I called out to him and he did not recognize me, saying "My G-d you lost so much weight, are you healthy?"  It makes me wonder, having received this comment lots in the last several months, (a) was I so obese before hand and (b) do I look so thin that people suspect I am ill?  I am not dieting, in fact I feel that I eat more junk food than healthy meals, and perhaps, because I still nurse Raphaela twice a day, that has contributed to my continuing weight loss.

Here I am, with a 14-month old girl, and at my lowest weight since high school, enjoying my body and enjoying being a mother.  I have mentioned previously in this blog that I hold onto the idea of having another child, but only with a husband and a dependable support system.  I have also started to accept that I may only be mother to Raphaela, and not only can I live with that reality, but the role of Raphaela's mother gives me joy every day, and I embrace those feelings. 

I have taken a major step toward accepting the job the Universe has set for me:  from the start of my pregnancy and until now, I had a painting hanging above my bed which symbolized the beauty and mystery of pregnancy and birth, a piece which I had done several years ago in an art class here in Jerusalem.  This week I removed that painting and replaced it with a colorful, fun and whimsical poster, one which Raphaela enjoys looking at as much as I; and one which represents the potential for growth and the fulfillment of dreams for myself and my daughter.

Raphaela is in fact growing up so quickly, her Gan sent her home with a menorah that she made herself, and it moved me to tears. (I double checked with the nursery teacher that an adult had not helped her significantly, LOL)  My baby is coloring, and testing the limits of my discipline, and making arts-and-crafts projects in school.  What better gift could I receive on Chanukah?


Frayda said...

I want to tell you how much I love your blog. My daughter is a year older than Raphaela but our thoughts and feelings are so similar when it comes to our daughters. I love that you express the thoughts and feelings that I do not. I do have a husband and may have other children in the future but I feel that if I do not I can live with that because being Ziva's mother makes me so happy. I also love when Ziva comes home with projects and it makes me so proud. Have a happy, happy Chanukah!

Ariela said...

I also am at my all time lowest weight while I nurse. Unfortunately, for me, it doesn't last :-(
I stopped nursing my 3.5 y/o 6months ago and have gained 5 kg!