Amidst all my joy today in seeing the baby again, and knowing that we both have, Thank G-d, a clean bill of health, I also started addressing one of my most primal fears.
I really want my mother to be there for me when I give birth. I do not want to have to worry about how I will get to the hospital, and who will truly look out for my interests when I am in labour. I have inferred and asked politely several times, and my mother has simply said that she does not have the time to "waste" waiting around for the baby, and that both my parents would rather come later, when it is more convenient for them in terms of travel and work.
In speaking to my friend (SC) yesterday, she asked me why I simply don't demand that my mother and/or parents make me a priority, that they be there for me because I have asked them, because I need them.
My answer? I am less afraid of going through the birth alone, rather than hear the word "No," again. Because it would bring up the pattern of trauma since the beginning of my childhood, when my needs were consistently ignored, when I was made to feel that I hadn't even made the list of priorities for anyone. I tried so hard to be the Good Girl, that I became absorbed into the wood -work, and when I finally started asking for help and asserting my needs, no one in my family responded.
No wonder I moved to Israel, 6,000 miles away from "home."
I have a few more months to figure this out, ie whether I will ask a member of my family to put themselves out for me, or whether I can find an option in Israel, closer to home, closer to my home. For now, I have identified the issue and will let it sit for a while in my sub-conscious, to be dealt with when I am ready emotionally.
2 comments:
I'm so sorry that you're not getting the support that you need. Perhaps there is someone else, a friend or family member, who would be more willing to be there for you and help you through the labor? If not, maybe you could consider hiring a doula. You really shouldn't have to go through your first birth all alone.
Definitely find a doula or a friend to help you. You do not want to be stressed if your parents do come in for your due date and you end up being 2 weeks late. Your parents will be the more helpful to you coming in after the baby is born. Since you do not have a partner to help you with late night feedings etc, having her there means you can nap, go grocery shopping (or she can that for you), cook for you and help you get on your feet.
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