It has been less than a week since I had the IUI, and this morning, when I took my temperature, it had dipped almost to baseline. Not a great sign according to the books I have read.
Then I tried to console myself with the awareness that this round feels different than all the previous ones, and maybe that is a good sign.
Then I took a shower and cried, and subsequently avoided any public places other than the supermarket (food, out of necessity). When I saw a mother with a baby, I smiled, hoping that would be me in nine months or so. When I saw a woman carrying a gerbil cage, I imagined the discussion I would have with my child; how it would not be prudent to have a gerbil in the house, with two clever and determined felines.
My fears and hopes overpower me still, no matter how much busy-work I create for myself today.
Did I go back to work too soon? Did I lift something too heavy? Did I wait long enough (four days) before going back to exercise? Did the cold weather freeze out my chances?
Is G-d punishing me in some way? When I went to the Mikva, maybe I didn't do all the preparations, mental and physical?
Can I even take this one piece of superficial evidence, 36.1 degrees Celsius, and decide that all is already lost?
Meanwhile, I distract myself with prayer, directed toward a potential life growing inside me: Please stay. Please stay.
1 comment:
don't beat yourself up or think it is your fault b/c you exercised or it was due to the cold weather. Hashem is not punishing your not doing everything right at the mikveh. I know you have heard this from lots of people but there is a reason for everything
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