Monday, October 20, 2008

Mom's Yom Kippur Epiphany

Through therapy but mostly life experience, I had long given up on changing my family, but especially my parents; parents and children tend to get locked in patterns that rarely evolve. My mother and father have known about my attempts to become pregnant, and the subject was stuffed away in the Denial Box. I figured that when the baby was a fact on the ground, they would accept their role as grandparents, or not.

Perhaps it is the season of introspection and forgiveness, or perhaps it was the ultimatum that I gave my mother; mainly, I told her (and I meant it) recently that I was a 40 year old grown up who did not have to ask her for permission to get pregnant, and that if she chose to sit in the corner and stew, it was her loss, not mine. But right before Yom Kippur, my mother and I experienced a break-through in our relationship, and specifically as regards the potential that I will become a mother myself before I become a wife.

We talked, she cried and apologized for her actions and words not reflecting her intentions. I told her that I was angry at G-d, the Universe and Everything for the loss of this last pregnancy, and that I felt that I could not sit and pray when "G-d and I have nothing to talk about." Mom may have been thinking that my lack of traditional participation in Yom Kippur prayers would send me straight to Hell, but what she said was, "I guess that is between you and G-d." ( I did fast for the occasion of the Day of Attonement.)

As much as I can feel the support of my parents from 6,000 miles away, it is a far better and more secure place than I have ever been.

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