Not Mutually Exclusive

Finding my soul-mate is not mutually exclusive with this process of insemination and pregnancy. Though my dating style may be cramped while I am in fact (and G-d Willing) pregnant, I do not see my choice to become a mother as closing the door to a successful and loving long-term relationship with a husband.

It's funny how the Universe throws tests at you. Around the time when I found out that my appointment with the Sperm Bank had been canceled due to lack of supply, I received an eerie email from WG, an old college boyfriend, a man who BTW is now supposedly happily married to his wife and quite proud of his son.

WG wrote that on and off in the past 20 years, he has contemplated how his life, and our lives would have been different had we stayed together and married. He said that there is still a place in his heart for me, and that if I ever wanted a genetic sample from him, he would be happy to donate sperm and be the biological father of my baby. He added that any child of ours would know the imprint of true love.

While flattering, I responded that the choice to bring a child into the world with someone I know, someone I care about on some level but with whom I can never experience full intimacy is both selfish and dangerous. Not only for me and any expectations it might generate in my imagination, but also for him and his wife and his marriage. I made it quite clear that even if I were to agree - because even today he does fulfill most of the specifications for my ideal mate- he would have to sign off on any legal right to claim paternity later in this child's life, and that I would not allow him to insert himself into our lives as a family. For both his sake and for ours.

My friend LC agreed with my approach, and pointed out that if indeed I am planning on dating before I conceive and once I give birth, having an anonymous sperm donor simplifies the situation. It makes it so much easier for another man to lovingly step in and raise the baby together, when there is no biological father standing in the wings.

I have not heard from WG since sending that email, and hope that he sees and accepts the sense in my words and actions. Though I still hold onto that warm feeling from his generous offer.