Thursday, July 31, 2014

A Time to Cry

Standing on line at the post office this morning, I started to cry.  Heaving sobs burst out of me, the first time I have "given in" to the daily stress here in Israel since we returned from the United States almost two weeks ago.

The guy at the counter didn't seem concerned at all, several other people came over to me, offered me tissues and tried to reassure me that "soon this will end. It will be OK."

One person asked me, "Why are you crying?"  And I answered with that characteristic Israeli shrug of the shoulder, "For no real reason, just like that."  And another woman said to me, "No one cries for no reason these days."

It was easier to dismiss my tears in front of these kind strangers than to explain:
I am crying because our soldiers are dying every day to keep us safe, while literally the rest of the political world on planet Earth tries to convince us that we are the criminals and that we ought to cease defending our lives, our very right to exist.

I am crying because I am physically exhausted, having not slept decently in the last two weeks because of night terrors and nasty thoughts and concerns for the security of my daughter and my extended family.

I am crying because some guy (yes, a dating thing in the middle of all this) treated me like garbage in a time that I am more vulnerable, and I lament the unfairness of my doing all that I do, alone. (On the heels of my brother's wedding, and the start of his beautiful life in marriage...)

I am crying because if it had not been for my birthday several days after we returned, a day in which luckily people pay attention to you,  I think that many people would have not noticed that we had been away at all.

I am crying because after not working for two and a half weeks, and having the expenses of the trip, something in my car went "pop" and now the windows are opening and closing by themselves.  Of course my issues - physical, emotional or financial - are nothing compared to the experiences of the soldiers and their families, and the parents of the three boys murdered one month ago, the trigger for this military incursion. I should just be content, it could be argued, that my family is thank G-d healthy and that we live in Jerusalem, where there has been relative quiet.

I am crying because I am still emotionally jet-lagged from my trip, a large part of me wishing I had extended my visit in the United States where I did not have to face the struggle of this current Israeli reality.

After the post office, I walked home while attempting to avoid contact with people, ashamed of my feelings and my blotchy eyes and my running nose.  Went to work and shut off my feelings, because that is what I must do;  if my schedule allows it, I will cry some more later, before I have to pick up Raphaela from her last day of camp, and put on a brave face again.


koshergourmetmart said...

I know it is hard to feel you are alone but you have a daughter to whom you are her whole world. You do have friends who care about you. I think the stress of being in Israel at this time as well as missing family after what sounds like a great trip to the States is getting to you and you should not make apologies for being upset and crying. However, your being upset people did not know you had gone on vacation during wartime in Israel is a little unrealistic. I have gone away with my family on vacation (and we are in the US) and people who we are close did not know we went away until we came back. It does not make me feel bad that they did not realize we were away.

rahel said...

You don't need to apologize for feeling down and for crying!
Most of us are not feeling too great and are stressed these days. I am many times on the verge of tears- sometimes because of "small" things- like reading how your daughter hugged the father and mother of the fallen soldier. Sometimes just to watch my children play makes me want to cry. Or when my daughter explains me in details what she learned she needs to do if they are in the bus and the siren is going off.
If you have someone to talk to- that helps a lot. Just to get the worries out and tell someone else about it can help you feel a tiny bit better.
A warm hug,