Monday, May 13, 2013

Journey to the Old City

On the actual Jerusalem Day I had planned to go to the Old City but did not, opting to perform vital house errands (post office, bank, supermarket) instead.  This morning I took off two hours and walked - rather limped, because of my sprained calf muscle - from my house to the Old City, following a path so ingrained in my mind that I could do it with my eyes closed.

I went to the Western Wall and had a very serious chat with G-d.  With my recent rising level of stress, and feeling somewhat abandoned by those who should be supportive of me, to whom else can I turn other than the Ultimate Being, the "Man (or Woman) with the Plan" so to speak.  It can be argued that the concept of a powerful all-knowing Deity is a man-made construct, imagined to help us feel better when our world goes to Hell. 

I personally believe in a greater pattern to the Universe, I know that I and my daughter must have some role and purpose, and I am sure that I am not privy to the larger picture.  I have a much better relationship with G-d than I do with organized religion, and I admit, it felt comforting to touch the stones of the wall and insert my little note in the cracks between the rocks. 

Once I start thinking that no one is listening and nothing can help, I will lose hold of my hope.  As Bruce Lee said, "No one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality."

The last time I had such an intense spiritual experience at the Western Wall was the week before the fertility treatment that resulted in the birth of Raphaela.

As long as I had the time blocked off in my schedule, I also took the opportunity to revisit the spots I had not seen in years.  Wading through the extreme tourist groups, so much had changed, so many revitalized buildings and yet I felt like the Old City exists out of time and space, a patch of country unrelated to any other neighborhood in Jerusalem, or in Israel for that matter.

I stood in my hallowed spot, an area in which four or five stones dating back to the Second Temple sit undisturbed in the newer sidewalk, among the modernity of the cafes, pizza shops, tourist traps and money changing stores.  A place where ancient meets modern, where history meets The Now.  I recalled my naive enthusiasm and unfiltered Zionism, all the motivation I had to move to Israel 16 years ago and build my life here.

What did I pray for today?  Some of that is personal, but mostly I asked for Love and Abundance and Health, and for a sign that I will have that chance to fulfill my dreams of being happy and raising my daughter here in Israel.

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