Adding Insult to Injury

Fuck Buddy (def) One step lower than "Friends with Benefits" and one step higher than a "One Night Stand." Insulting nonetheless.

Last Thursday I received a call from an acquaintance of two years. For much of the two years he has run hot and cold, and so I came to the conclusion that he did not want to pursue any form of serious friendship, or intimate relationship. In our discussion, he explained his inconsistent behaviour toward me: For the past two years he has not stopped thinking about me. He thinks I am sexy and wonderful, but not "wife material." He wants to have sex with me - so much so that he was offended when I did not immediately invite him over to my house - but has no intention of committing to me in any way. In fact, he would prefer that the whole arrangement remain secret, because he is pretending to be an Orthodox Jew, and does not want word of his hypocrisy to get out into the community.

(I could not have consummated his indecent proposal in any case, as I have my period and am preparing for the next round of insemination.)

The next morning, I received an email from my ex-boyfriend (married, at the moment), telling me about the troubles he is having with his wife and how they may be headed for divorce. And that he has spent the last 20 years thinking about me with love, and wondering what might have been. As if that knowledge would send me on the next plane, into his arms and into his bed.

No wonder I am not married yet.

Then I have my weekly chat with Mom, in which she tells me with great joy and relief that she has consulted with none other than the Chief Rabbi of the RCA [the American Orthodox Union] about my 'condition,' and turns out, my children will not be considered bastards in the eye of Jewish Law. The halacha will not treat my children like illegitimate castaways, and presumably now, neither will my own mother, their grandmother.

Disregarding for the moment that I had already conducted research into the halacha, and that I was determined regardless to continue with this journey, the absolute lack of consideration for me and my feelings made me want to laugh and cry. Here my mother thinks she has done us all a favor by getting the approval of a random Rabbi, and instead, she has instilled in me the fear that every time she will look at my children, she will see a mutant of sorts, an oddity.

What have I learned from the message sent by the Universe this week? That I deserve to be treated as the number one priority in someones life, rather than the "other woman" or the "shameful secret." That my children will deserve all the love I can give them, and that I must surround them with others who will give them the same, without judgement.

I will not compromise on either.