For the last two weeks, four parents (including myself) have been communicating and shopping towards the birthday party of these four children, tomorrow at Gan.
To clarify, the four parents who have dedicated their free time to making this celebration memorable and joyful are the MOTHERS. Three of these four mothers (including myself) hold full time jobs, and as far as I know, the fathers are satisfied that we women have got it covered. The fathers will certainly show up with their video cameras and their smiles and take partial credit for the party, since they helped bring their five year old into the world.
For all the so-called progress women have made in the twenty-first century, we have a long way to go, baby.
Just saying.
Showing posts with label sperm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sperm. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Monday, August 11, 2014
The HMO Shuffle
Several years ago I sought out specific guidance on parenting issues, I was feeling quite overwhelmed as a single mother. I turned to the designated counselors within my HMO; month after month of meetings and observations of myself, my parenting style and my interactions with Raphaela, they refused to help me. No explanations, they quite simply abandoned me.
I got over the rejection, and yet to this day I fail to understand why I was not deserving of their assistance.
This past year in Gan, I had several dealings with Raphaela's stubbornness and performance anxiety: the refusal to participate in swimming lessons, the fear of the plays and parties which all the parents attended, the willingness to dance only when no one is watching and throwing a massive fit when we tried a ballet class, etc. I am also aware of certain basic speech issues which I would like to be corrected before Raphaela enters first grade: she has inconsistency issues with the letters "R" and "Sh", resulting in a barely noticeable lisp.
Many of my friends with older children told me that the Israeli HMO will not deal with these "common" problems until a child turns seven years old, but I - as a parent and as a Doctor - see no reason to wait, especially because Raphaela is also bilingual.
Thus started the run-around. First I had to fill out a complete developmental form, as well as asking her Gan teacher to provide her assessment, and our GP to give us a formal prescription for the Childhood Developmental Center.
Then you send in the forms and wait for the center to call you, which they did two months later, recommending that a Physical Therapist check Raphaela for gross motor functions. Huh?
They also requested a hearing test, something that makes slightly more sense given the context.
And of course, it takes at least one month before there is an opening for an appointment, for anything, and many health professionals are currently on summer break.
So we did the hearing test, the results were inconclusive, and the next appointment takes place at the end of the month. This morning the PT watched as Raphaela ran and jumped and climbed and attempted to play basketball, and came to the conclusion that there is a strong emotional component present, and that I should attend several sessions with a parenting advisor/therapist. Together we can compile a list of strategies when Raphaela's fear overcomes her ability.
The physical therapist also recommended that I play more ball with Raphaela, not one of my favorite sports or past-times, I must admit. If she had a father in the house, he would play with her, and then she would be able to dribble a ball and catch it better, right? (One more thing to add to the guilt list...)
When I asked why I hadn't yet heard from the speech therapist to arrange testing and sessions, the PT laughed and said, "We don't handle that at all, you need to go to an entirely different department and start over with them."
I got over the rejection, and yet to this day I fail to understand why I was not deserving of their assistance.
This past year in Gan, I had several dealings with Raphaela's stubbornness and performance anxiety: the refusal to participate in swimming lessons, the fear of the plays and parties which all the parents attended, the willingness to dance only when no one is watching and throwing a massive fit when we tried a ballet class, etc. I am also aware of certain basic speech issues which I would like to be corrected before Raphaela enters first grade: she has inconsistency issues with the letters "R" and "Sh", resulting in a barely noticeable lisp.
Many of my friends with older children told me that the Israeli HMO will not deal with these "common" problems until a child turns seven years old, but I - as a parent and as a Doctor - see no reason to wait, especially because Raphaela is also bilingual.
Thus started the run-around. First I had to fill out a complete developmental form, as well as asking her Gan teacher to provide her assessment, and our GP to give us a formal prescription for the Childhood Developmental Center.
Then you send in the forms and wait for the center to call you, which they did two months later, recommending that a Physical Therapist check Raphaela for gross motor functions. Huh?
They also requested a hearing test, something that makes slightly more sense given the context.
And of course, it takes at least one month before there is an opening for an appointment, for anything, and many health professionals are currently on summer break.
So we did the hearing test, the results were inconclusive, and the next appointment takes place at the end of the month. This morning the PT watched as Raphaela ran and jumped and climbed and attempted to play basketball, and came to the conclusion that there is a strong emotional component present, and that I should attend several sessions with a parenting advisor/therapist. Together we can compile a list of strategies when Raphaela's fear overcomes her ability.
The physical therapist also recommended that I play more ball with Raphaela, not one of my favorite sports or past-times, I must admit. If she had a father in the house, he would play with her, and then she would be able to dribble a ball and catch it better, right? (One more thing to add to the guilt list...)
When I asked why I hadn't yet heard from the speech therapist to arrange testing and sessions, the PT laughed and said, "We don't handle that at all, you need to go to an entirely different department and start over with them."
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Pre1A, The Gan Chovah Journey Begins
With the deadline for registering Raphaela for Pre IA (Gan Chovah in Hebrew) approaching faster than the speed of light, I met with her current Head Gan Teacher for a consultation. Here is a women with vast experience teaching this age and with personal knowledge of my child; Raphaela spends nine hours outside the house each day within the educational context, and I know there are things I don't know.
As a Chiropractor, I find it easy to look at a client and the elements of his/her life and diagnose the need for changes, in the physical and emotional realms. It is one million times harder to look at yourself and your child as a family unit and assess the strengths and weaknesses in an objective way. It is one billion times harder as a Jewish mother with Jewish guilt not to take responsibility and blame for something that ultimately you cannot control.
Here is what I learned about my daughter today:
She is warm and gentle and physically affectionate, and she carries herself with grace.
She has "wrapped herself around the hearts of everyone on staff."
She is methodical and diligent about assignments, and completes tasks well.
She needs improvement holding scissors, as she is a lefty.
She is both self-aware and communicative of her feelings, as well as being sensitive to how others relate to her, and she reacts accordingly.
She has become much more social and less shy since the beginning of the year, and interacts easily with her friends.
She is "ever so slightly stubborn."
["Really?" I said. "Ever so slightly? I think you are understating the truth..." Then both I and the teacher laughed for five minutes.]
Her stubborn-ness results in Raphaela sometimes acting slowly to follow instructions, as she gets lost in her wide world of Fantastic Imagination.
Language acquisition was Rapheala's teacher's largest concern: while my daughter speaks in Hebrew, she sometimes struggles to find certain words in a complex sentence and then reverts to English. Her Hebrew should "flow more," according to her teacher, a factor which could negatively influence her social life as she gets older within the Israeli system of education. As well, Raphaela seems to be the kid who could benefit from an extra year of what her teacher called "unadulterated play."
With that in mind, Raphaela's teacher recommended that I add more Hebrew movies and television programs to her day, not the advice I expected to hear. She also recommended that I monitor Raphaela closely next year, because it might benefit to repeat Gan Chovah. That way, my daughter goes into the more rigid framework of First Grade as one of the oldest children, with an extra year of play time, affectionate teaching and with absolute confidence in her Hebrew speaking skills.
I also mentioned that Raphaela has begun to ask about the identity of her biological father/sperm donor, and the teacher offered me wonderful parenting and phrasing possibilities.
G-d bless this woman, who closed our discussion with a hug and the assurance I needed to hear as a single parent, "You are a great mother and an amazing woman."
As a Chiropractor, I find it easy to look at a client and the elements of his/her life and diagnose the need for changes, in the physical and emotional realms. It is one million times harder to look at yourself and your child as a family unit and assess the strengths and weaknesses in an objective way. It is one billion times harder as a Jewish mother with Jewish guilt not to take responsibility and blame for something that ultimately you cannot control.
Here is what I learned about my daughter today:
She is warm and gentle and physically affectionate, and she carries herself with grace.
She has "wrapped herself around the hearts of everyone on staff."
She is methodical and diligent about assignments, and completes tasks well.
She needs improvement holding scissors, as she is a lefty.
She is both self-aware and communicative of her feelings, as well as being sensitive to how others relate to her, and she reacts accordingly.
She has become much more social and less shy since the beginning of the year, and interacts easily with her friends.
She is "ever so slightly stubborn."
["Really?" I said. "Ever so slightly? I think you are understating the truth..." Then both I and the teacher laughed for five minutes.]
Her stubborn-ness results in Raphaela sometimes acting slowly to follow instructions, as she gets lost in her wide world of Fantastic Imagination.
Language acquisition was Rapheala's teacher's largest concern: while my daughter speaks in Hebrew, she sometimes struggles to find certain words in a complex sentence and then reverts to English. Her Hebrew should "flow more," according to her teacher, a factor which could negatively influence her social life as she gets older within the Israeli system of education. As well, Raphaela seems to be the kid who could benefit from an extra year of what her teacher called "unadulterated play."
With that in mind, Raphaela's teacher recommended that I add more Hebrew movies and television programs to her day, not the advice I expected to hear. She also recommended that I monitor Raphaela closely next year, because it might benefit to repeat Gan Chovah. That way, my daughter goes into the more rigid framework of First Grade as one of the oldest children, with an extra year of play time, affectionate teaching and with absolute confidence in her Hebrew speaking skills.
I also mentioned that Raphaela has begun to ask about the identity of her biological father/sperm donor, and the teacher offered me wonderful parenting and phrasing possibilities.
G-d bless this woman, who closed our discussion with a hug and the assurance I needed to hear as a single parent, "You are a great mother and an amazing woman."
Thursday, September 26, 2013
The First Question
For years I have read the psychology books, consulted with SMBC friends and memorized a child-friendly version of the IUI story, ready to be told when Raphaela began asking questions about her origins and her family.
Until recently the topic, "Who/Where is my father?", it had never come up, and my daughter has proven herself more than capable of expressing all of her curiosity and concerns.
Having reached the age of four, that question still has not been asked directly. One evening over the Succot holiday, where she and I basically spent 24/7 together and where there was no structure of Gan, I saw Raphaela sink into a chair, and she seemed...sad. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I want a father. I want a father that is just mine."
After all my mental preparation for this moment and all my skill at empathy and communication, I failed at the task. I tried to tell her "story" in a positive way, ending with the promise that she is loved and will always have loving and supportive people around her. It felt hollow to me, because inside I wanted to cry; I should never have assumed that the lack of a father was a non-issue just because it had never came up in conversation.
I wanted to hold her and rock her and assure her, "It's OK my love, I will find you a father." But that would have been unfair to both of us, to create expectations far beyond my ability or control.
The next day, Raphaela said to me, "Mommy, it's OK that I don't have a father because you don't have one either, right?" Again, I was at a loss for words, how to explain that in fact I don't have one father, but rather two, that I am part of the typical divorce phenomenon that now plagues modern life and far too many families.
Later that day, after I had given her some stickers, she came over to me and said, "Look Mommy, I got these wonderful stickers from my father!"
I know that Raphaela knows that she is loved: I observed her playing with her Barbie dolls and saying, "I love my Mommy, she gives me lots of food and lots of hugs and she loves me as big as Space."
And yet, here I stand, speechless in the face of the First Question.
Until recently the topic, "Who/Where is my father?", it had never come up, and my daughter has proven herself more than capable of expressing all of her curiosity and concerns.
Having reached the age of four, that question still has not been asked directly. One evening over the Succot holiday, where she and I basically spent 24/7 together and where there was no structure of Gan, I saw Raphaela sink into a chair, and she seemed...sad. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I want a father. I want a father that is just mine."
After all my mental preparation for this moment and all my skill at empathy and communication, I failed at the task. I tried to tell her "story" in a positive way, ending with the promise that she is loved and will always have loving and supportive people around her. It felt hollow to me, because inside I wanted to cry; I should never have assumed that the lack of a father was a non-issue just because it had never came up in conversation.
I wanted to hold her and rock her and assure her, "It's OK my love, I will find you a father." But that would have been unfair to both of us, to create expectations far beyond my ability or control.
The next day, Raphaela said to me, "Mommy, it's OK that I don't have a father because you don't have one either, right?" Again, I was at a loss for words, how to explain that in fact I don't have one father, but rather two, that I am part of the typical divorce phenomenon that now plagues modern life and far too many families.
Later that day, after I had given her some stickers, she came over to me and said, "Look Mommy, I got these wonderful stickers from my father!"
I know that Raphaela knows that she is loved: I observed her playing with her Barbie dolls and saying, "I love my Mommy, she gives me lots of food and lots of hugs and she loves me as big as Space."
And yet, here I stand, speechless in the face of the First Question.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Baby Steps
Haaretz reported today that the court ruled in favor of a single woman who in 2009 was fired from her job as a teacher in a national-religious school because she became pregnant through IVF. During the hearings, the school argued that this teacher set a negative example to the students by representing a non-traditional family life, though the halacha and several prominent Israeli Orthodox Rabbis supported her choice.
The courageous legal decision, the first of its kind within Israel, stated that "the right to be a parent...human dignity and freedom" superseded the rights of the religious program.
Bravo! May we continue to see acceptance of all types of families within the mosaic of Israeli society.
The courageous legal decision, the first of its kind within Israel, stated that "the right to be a parent...human dignity and freedom" superseded the rights of the religious program.
Bravo! May we continue to see acceptance of all types of families within the mosaic of Israeli society.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Double Take
Yesterday afternoon at the park, as Raphaela was swinging from the monkey bars, I saw a father with his son and my jaw dropped open. This one year old was the male version, a clone, of one of Raphaela's close friends, whose mother conceived via fertility treatments as an Israeli single mother by choice. This woman always jokes that her daughter- dark straight hair, deep olive skin and petite - looks nothing like her, with her seriously Ashkenazi freckles, light skin and curly strawberry blond hair.
Yes, they say that each person has a doppelganger somewhere on the planet or in an alternative Universe, but this felt entirely different. Obviously I did not go over to the man and ask him if he had at one time been a donor, but the question continues to haunt me: Would I recognize Raphaela's biological donor if I ever met him on the street? And what would I say to him if I dared to approach?
Yes, they say that each person has a doppelganger somewhere on the planet or in an alternative Universe, but this felt entirely different. Obviously I did not go over to the man and ask him if he had at one time been a donor, but the question continues to haunt me: Would I recognize Raphaela's biological donor if I ever met him on the street? And what would I say to him if I dared to approach?
Friday, July 13, 2012
The Rights of the Non Father
Very often, people will ask me questions about the process at Hadassah Hospital and their affiliation with the sperm bank, run by the very capable and discrete Ruth. Inevitably, the follow up question is some version of, "Do you want another child, and can you use the same donor, so that Raphaela and her sibling will be related?'
The Israeli High Court of Justice may soon make a ruling that will define that critical issue in fertility treatments; since Israel is on the cutting of fertility technology, they also tend to deal with cases that will set precedent for all the globe.
An Israeli woman currently living in the States bought all the 'product' of a particular donor, so that her daughter may have a sibling who is biologically related. The donor, having become more religious since making the deposit, has decided that he does not want to father any other children anonymously, and has demanded that the sperm bank destroy whatever is left, despite the fact that the woman paid for it and technically owns it.
The reasoning behind the donor, and the State of Israel's legal position, is that the donor's right not to be a father against his will is stronger than the recipient's wish to have children who are biological siblings. The donor has the right to change his mind.
The woman challenged the initial ruling, stating that the decision was unreasonable and "damaged her rights 'as a woman, an individual, a mother and a signatory of an agreement.' " (Haaretz, Ronny Linder-Ganz, "Court to rule if sperm donor can renege" July 13, 2012) She argues further that her case has repercussions for both married and single women who are considering using fertility treatments, and may feel the pressure to act sooner, before the donor flips his decision.
To quote Stan Lee, with great power comes great responsibility, and the medical world will surely be looking at this Israeli case for guidance.
The Israeli High Court of Justice may soon make a ruling that will define that critical issue in fertility treatments; since Israel is on the cutting of fertility technology, they also tend to deal with cases that will set precedent for all the globe.
An Israeli woman currently living in the States bought all the 'product' of a particular donor, so that her daughter may have a sibling who is biologically related. The donor, having become more religious since making the deposit, has decided that he does not want to father any other children anonymously, and has demanded that the sperm bank destroy whatever is left, despite the fact that the woman paid for it and technically owns it.
The reasoning behind the donor, and the State of Israel's legal position, is that the donor's right not to be a father against his will is stronger than the recipient's wish to have children who are biological siblings. The donor has the right to change his mind.
The woman challenged the initial ruling, stating that the decision was unreasonable and "damaged her rights 'as a woman, an individual, a mother and a signatory of an agreement.' " (Haaretz, Ronny Linder-Ganz, "Court to rule if sperm donor can renege" July 13, 2012) She argues further that her case has repercussions for both married and single women who are considering using fertility treatments, and may feel the pressure to act sooner, before the donor flips his decision.
To quote Stan Lee, with great power comes great responsibility, and the medical world will surely be looking at this Israeli case for guidance.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Halachic Infertility
The Jewish laws of Ritual Purity state that a woman after her "unclean period" must wait a full week, dip properly in a ritual bath (mikvah) and then has two weeks of free and clear Rabbinically sanctified sex.
That would be nice if all women had a 28-30 day cycle; with girls getting their periods earlier than in the past, at the average age of ten instead of 12 or 13, and with the extension of fertility well into the 40's, that is no longer the case. In fact, I have a very short cycle (23-25 days), and it took many attempts in terms of the timing in order to become pregnant, and stay pregnant with Raphaela.
An article in The Forward today addressed this issue, women who ovulate while still in that week long period of "niddah "(post period impurity) and community Rabbis who would not dare to amend the status quo, even on a case-to-case basis. The article quotes my very excellent and capable GYN here in Jerusalem, Dr. Daniel Rosenak; an Orthodox man himself, he suggests that the standard revert to pre-Talmudic guidelines, thus allowing a woman to go the mikvah before one week, in sync with her individual cycle. Another suggestion involves a woman receiving IUI (presumably with her husband's sperm) at the peak of ovulation and before the mikvah, because it doesn't count as actual sex; though some Orthodox Rabbis worry for the spiritual harm to the potential child's soul, and the halachic issue of "spilling seed." (Because men don't masturbate, ever, right?!)
I commend the Orthodox community for dealing with the issues of fertility in a more direct and public manner, because there is no reason for a woman to suffer quietly or feel shame about her body for no reason.
That would be nice if all women had a 28-30 day cycle; with girls getting their periods earlier than in the past, at the average age of ten instead of 12 or 13, and with the extension of fertility well into the 40's, that is no longer the case. In fact, I have a very short cycle (23-25 days), and it took many attempts in terms of the timing in order to become pregnant, and stay pregnant with Raphaela.
An article in The Forward today addressed this issue, women who ovulate while still in that week long period of "niddah "(post period impurity) and community Rabbis who would not dare to amend the status quo, even on a case-to-case basis. The article quotes my very excellent and capable GYN here in Jerusalem, Dr. Daniel Rosenak; an Orthodox man himself, he suggests that the standard revert to pre-Talmudic guidelines, thus allowing a woman to go the mikvah before one week, in sync with her individual cycle. Another suggestion involves a woman receiving IUI (presumably with her husband's sperm) at the peak of ovulation and before the mikvah, because it doesn't count as actual sex; though some Orthodox Rabbis worry for the spiritual harm to the potential child's soul, and the halachic issue of "spilling seed." (Because men don't masturbate, ever, right?!)
I commend the Orthodox community for dealing with the issues of fertility in a more direct and public manner, because there is no reason for a woman to suffer quietly or feel shame about her body for no reason.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
IVF and the American Embassy
An article in this weekend's Haaretz reported that the "American embassy and consular officials in Israel are requiring applicants seeking US citizenship for their children to prove parentage in cases where they received fertility treatments." This bureaucratic nightmare has afflicted both single mothers and married women, and the demands of proof of genetic parentage are almost impossible, as in many cases of sperm and egg donation, the donor remains anonymous.
Ellie Lavi, an American-born JSMBC who started the organization "&baby makes two," stated that when she went to acquire citizenship for her twins, experienced the following: "The interviewing officer asked me over a microphone, 'Are these your eggs?'...I was absolutely stunned, humiliated." The Embassy and US State Department claims that their policy and approach has not changed at all over the years, but rather, Israel as one of the leading countries on the planet in fertility technology, accentuates the issue.
Raphaela has American citizenship since the age of five months, and I remember that the experience was at the very least tiring and infuriating; at a certain point they sent me over to a psychologist, so the woman could asses my veracity and reactions, to make sure I was not a crazy women claiming to be a single mother, using someone else's baby. If I would have had to provide proof of my fertility treatments, her application would have been refused, as I signed a legal non-disclosure agreement with Hadassah Hospital and the sperm bank.
I find it disturbing that both secular international government offices and the Israeli Rabbinate are trying to link "true" identity, halachic or otherwise, to genetic material rather than to the woman who carried the child for nine months and will raise him/her for the rest of their lives. With all the cutting edge developments in fertility, the societal aspect of pregnancy and birth is taking several million steps backward.
Ellie Lavi, an American-born JSMBC who started the organization "&baby makes two," stated that when she went to acquire citizenship for her twins, experienced the following: "The interviewing officer asked me over a microphone, 'Are these your eggs?'...I was absolutely stunned, humiliated." The Embassy and US State Department claims that their policy and approach has not changed at all over the years, but rather, Israel as one of the leading countries on the planet in fertility technology, accentuates the issue.
Raphaela has American citizenship since the age of five months, and I remember that the experience was at the very least tiring and infuriating; at a certain point they sent me over to a psychologist, so the woman could asses my veracity and reactions, to make sure I was not a crazy women claiming to be a single mother, using someone else's baby. If I would have had to provide proof of my fertility treatments, her application would have been refused, as I signed a legal non-disclosure agreement with Hadassah Hospital and the sperm bank.
I find it disturbing that both secular international government offices and the Israeli Rabbinate are trying to link "true" identity, halachic or otherwise, to genetic material rather than to the woman who carried the child for nine months and will raise him/her for the rest of their lives. With all the cutting edge developments in fertility, the societal aspect of pregnancy and birth is taking several million steps backward.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Chanukah 2008/2011
As the holiday gets closer, Raphaela becomes more excited about all aspects of Chanukah, though I have not introduced her specifically to the Israeli jelly doughnut concept. She found a beautifully decorated dreidel that I had put on a high shelf, and immediately wanted to play, and I felt the completion of the circle that started with my fertility treatments.
On Chanukah in 2008, I attended the Bat Mitzvah of a freind's daughter, in the Old City of Jerusalem. I knew that in a few days I would have my final IUI treatment, before Hadassah Hospital would force me to switch me over into the IVF route. I wanted and needed this IUI procedure to work, after a year of hits and misses and several miscarriages. Taking the opportunity, I went to the Western Wall after the Bat Mitzvah, and had a serious conversation with G-d and the Universe. I informed all beings present -supernatural and otherwise -that this would be The One, this would be the IUI that not only got me pregnant, but stuck around for nine months and delivered a healthy baby.
On the way home, I bought the dreidel, in honor of the holiday and as the first present for my future daughter.
The IUI took place on January 1, 2009, and on October 2, 2009, Raphaela came into the world, bringing with her more joy and light and happiness than I ever could have imagined.
May we all be blessed with joy and light, friends and family, in this holiday season. Chag Sameach!
On Chanukah in 2008, I attended the Bat Mitzvah of a freind's daughter, in the Old City of Jerusalem. I knew that in a few days I would have my final IUI treatment, before Hadassah Hospital would force me to switch me over into the IVF route. I wanted and needed this IUI procedure to work, after a year of hits and misses and several miscarriages. Taking the opportunity, I went to the Western Wall after the Bat Mitzvah, and had a serious conversation with G-d and the Universe. I informed all beings present -supernatural and otherwise -that this would be The One, this would be the IUI that not only got me pregnant, but stuck around for nine months and delivered a healthy baby.
On the way home, I bought the dreidel, in honor of the holiday and as the first present for my future daughter.
The IUI took place on January 1, 2009, and on October 2, 2009, Raphaela came into the world, bringing with her more joy and light and happiness than I ever could have imagined.
May we all be blessed with joy and light, friends and family, in this holiday season. Chag Sameach!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Where's the Abba?
Yesterday, on the way home from Gan, Raphaela was talking about the other childrens' fathers, and she asked in Hebrew, "Where's my Abba?"
The question didn't surprise me. When we play with her dolls, there is always a mother and father and a baby. She has playdates with friends who have two parents in the home. Raphaela observes both fathers and mothers picking up their children at the end of the nursery day. I have never tried to ignore the concept.
I answered her with the explanation that has been my standard response for at least the last year: "There are many different kinds of families. Some children like you live with their Mommy. Some children live with Daddy. Some live with two parents and some live with grandparents." I then continue, "We are all special families, and I love you as big as space. I will always love you and I will always be your Mommy."
She accepted my statement and we moved on without incident.
A phone call later that evening renewed thoughts about the traditional father-mother paradign. A 51 year old divorced man had gotten my number from a matchmaker, he wanted to speak and possibly set up a date. He has three children who are relatively older, and he is apparently a very involved father, sharing custody with his ex-wife here in Israel. He also travels a lot for business, and therefore we were unable to find a time that I did not have plans, and when he was in the country in the near future.
He sounded normal enough, and though 51 feels a bit old for me, (sperm quality, generational gap and all that) I am certainly willing to give him a chance; I find that I cannot truly asses another person unless we meet face-to-face. I despise what I call "interview dates" on the phone, my experience with Israeli men has been that they use communication media to ask brusque business-like questions, in order to decide if I am even worth the cup of coffee.
We actually ended the conversation because Raphaela started crying in her sleep, and I needed to take care of my daughter.
After we hung up, I experienced an explosion of trepidations that ran the gammut: Was I ready for dating and intimacy? Could I love and accept someone else's children from a previous marriage? Could he love and accept my daughter as much his own? How do I really know if a man will make the right fit for me and my 'special family'?
I should be grateful and open to the idea, at the age of eight a wonderful man embraced me and my brother as part of the package when he married my mother. I simply don't know if I am capable of the same generosity and virtue.
The question didn't surprise me. When we play with her dolls, there is always a mother and father and a baby. She has playdates with friends who have two parents in the home. Raphaela observes both fathers and mothers picking up their children at the end of the nursery day. I have never tried to ignore the concept.
I answered her with the explanation that has been my standard response for at least the last year: "There are many different kinds of families. Some children like you live with their Mommy. Some children live with Daddy. Some live with two parents and some live with grandparents." I then continue, "We are all special families, and I love you as big as space. I will always love you and I will always be your Mommy."
She accepted my statement and we moved on without incident.
A phone call later that evening renewed thoughts about the traditional father-mother paradign. A 51 year old divorced man had gotten my number from a matchmaker, he wanted to speak and possibly set up a date. He has three children who are relatively older, and he is apparently a very involved father, sharing custody with his ex-wife here in Israel. He also travels a lot for business, and therefore we were unable to find a time that I did not have plans, and when he was in the country in the near future.
He sounded normal enough, and though 51 feels a bit old for me, (sperm quality, generational gap and all that) I am certainly willing to give him a chance; I find that I cannot truly asses another person unless we meet face-to-face. I despise what I call "interview dates" on the phone, my experience with Israeli men has been that they use communication media to ask brusque business-like questions, in order to decide if I am even worth the cup of coffee.
We actually ended the conversation because Raphaela started crying in her sleep, and I needed to take care of my daughter.
After we hung up, I experienced an explosion of trepidations that ran the gammut: Was I ready for dating and intimacy? Could I love and accept someone else's children from a previous marriage? Could he love and accept my daughter as much his own? How do I really know if a man will make the right fit for me and my 'special family'?
I should be grateful and open to the idea, at the age of eight a wonderful man embraced me and my brother as part of the package when he married my mother. I simply don't know if I am capable of the same generosity and virtue.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Report Card
Several years ago, my parents cleaned out the paperwork in the house in Boston and presented each of their children with various records collected and saved over the years. In looking at my nursery report card, I was amused to see the following comment from my teacher, Mrs. H. Cohen:
"She tends to stay by herself. She does not mix with the other boys and girls. She prefers to be with me."
By the end of the year, apparently I performed better in terms of mixing with the other children my own age, and was "Promoted to first grade." Horray for mini-Me!
As well, I received a "Satisfactory Plus" in being neat and clean in appearance, in listening to and following directions, and in completing projects. A star in early mathematics, reading and writing, I fell short in showing an interest in singing.
My teachers in the elementary school years would use descriptors such as "Concientious," "Extremely Responsible," and "too outspoken." (You don't fit in well in within the Ultra-Orthodox community if you speak your mind and color outside the lines.)
Flash forward, two months ago: I gave Raphaela's head nursery teacher a form required by the HMO, in order for Raphaela to receive a consultation through their Early Childhood Development Center. The form was returned to me only yesterday, and I feared reading it, hearing the "truth" about my daughter.
Ultimately, other than the issue of her late walking, my child seems to have friends, play well with others, listen to her teachers, show compassion and warmth, and posseses both fine motor and gross motor skills. The head nursery teacher commented that Raphaela is [THANK G-D] a happy, smiling and independent child, clean and "well-cared for by her mother." She likes singing and music.
Whew!
While Raphaela does not have a consistant father figure in her life due to the circumstances of her conception, I did not have a reliable father figure in my childhood due to a messy divorce and a general lack of strong male role models. Perhaps therein lies the difference; I will continue to provide stability and infinite affection to Raphaela, so that she can continue to play well with others and experience fulfilling personal relationships for the rest of her life.
"She tends to stay by herself. She does not mix with the other boys and girls. She prefers to be with me."
By the end of the year, apparently I performed better in terms of mixing with the other children my own age, and was "Promoted to first grade." Horray for mini-Me!
As well, I received a "Satisfactory Plus" in being neat and clean in appearance, in listening to and following directions, and in completing projects. A star in early mathematics, reading and writing, I fell short in showing an interest in singing.
My teachers in the elementary school years would use descriptors such as "Concientious," "Extremely Responsible," and "too outspoken." (You don't fit in well in within the Ultra-Orthodox community if you speak your mind and color outside the lines.)
Flash forward, two months ago: I gave Raphaela's head nursery teacher a form required by the HMO, in order for Raphaela to receive a consultation through their Early Childhood Development Center. The form was returned to me only yesterday, and I feared reading it, hearing the "truth" about my daughter.
Ultimately, other than the issue of her late walking, my child seems to have friends, play well with others, listen to her teachers, show compassion and warmth, and posseses both fine motor and gross motor skills. The head nursery teacher commented that Raphaela is [THANK G-D] a happy, smiling and independent child, clean and "well-cared for by her mother." She likes singing and music.
Whew!
While Raphaela does not have a consistant father figure in her life due to the circumstances of her conception, I did not have a reliable father figure in my childhood due to a messy divorce and a general lack of strong male role models. Perhaps therein lies the difference; I will continue to provide stability and infinite affection to Raphaela, so that she can continue to play well with others and experience fulfilling personal relationships for the rest of her life.
Monday, October 31, 2011
KayamaMoms
In the past year, when I had a bit of a crisis regarding my work as a Chiropractor and my desire to leave a more lasting imprint on the planet, I came up with the inspiration that single mothers by choice need to have a centralized resource center. They need a place and an address that can answer questions regarding the technical and beurocratic aspects of the fertility treatments, pregnancy as a woman alone, and the government rights of a single parent in Israel.
I had contacted the American organization, Single Mothers by Choice and they said that they had a representative here in Israel, and I had to pass all my ideas through her; unfortunately, this person was not interested in the vision I presented to her.
Today, I received a flyer via email announcing a new non-profit organization called KayamaMoms, started by someone I know from my neighborhood, named Aviva Harbater. KayamaMoms was founded to provide "tools and support for Jewish women reaching the eve of their fertility," and who are considering becoming a JSMBC. The group targets the religious market, and will be hosting their opening event tomorrow evening in Jerusalem, with a series of lectures entitled, "JSMBC: Halachic, Psychological and Medical Perspectives."
They have amassed quite an impressive set of speakers, including Rabbi Benny Lau, Rabbi Yuval Cherlow and Dr. Miri Godin of Hadassah Hospital, among others.
Many people have forwarded me this flyer, and I am as yet unsure whether I will actually attend. I don't need to hear that my daughter has validity within the Jewish community, two years after her birth. I also don't wish to be "Exhibit A" in a room full of women who may or may not fulfill their own destiny of parenthood.
The end of the page states that women who have already taken the step of SMBC are welcome as well, in order to help them "integrate more easily" into the more conventional religious family environment both in Israel and the United States. I find that statement almost insulting, except that I am sure the sentiment comes from a place of helping, rather than condescention.
I had contacted the American organization, Single Mothers by Choice and they said that they had a representative here in Israel, and I had to pass all my ideas through her; unfortunately, this person was not interested in the vision I presented to her.
Today, I received a flyer via email announcing a new non-profit organization called KayamaMoms, started by someone I know from my neighborhood, named Aviva Harbater. KayamaMoms was founded to provide "tools and support for Jewish women reaching the eve of their fertility," and who are considering becoming a JSMBC. The group targets the religious market, and will be hosting their opening event tomorrow evening in Jerusalem, with a series of lectures entitled, "JSMBC: Halachic, Psychological and Medical Perspectives."
They have amassed quite an impressive set of speakers, including Rabbi Benny Lau, Rabbi Yuval Cherlow and Dr. Miri Godin of Hadassah Hospital, among others.
Many people have forwarded me this flyer, and I am as yet unsure whether I will actually attend. I don't need to hear that my daughter has validity within the Jewish community, two years after her birth. I also don't wish to be "Exhibit A" in a room full of women who may or may not fulfill their own destiny of parenthood.
The end of the page states that women who have already taken the step of SMBC are welcome as well, in order to help them "integrate more easily" into the more conventional religious family environment both in Israel and the United States. I find that statement almost insulting, except that I am sure the sentiment comes from a place of helping, rather than condescention.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Kick in the Butt
As if I was not aware that I need to move out of this apartment, the Universe gave me a monumental kick in the butt this morning.
My landlord (slum lord, to be exact), a religious elderly man, sent one of his goon contractors, an Ultra-Orthodox man, to threaten me; they are trying to illegally hook an apartment into my utilities, so he can rent it out, even though he doesn't have the permission of the city of Jerusalem, or of the Co-op Board of the buidling. When I stated my objection to having to pay double bills on an illegal apartment for an indefinite amount of time, the goon said that he was speaking on behalf of my land lord, that they had no problem whatsoever kicking me and my daughter out on the street so they could find someone who would be more "cooperative" with their plan. Then I had to beg to the point of tears, humiliating myself so that we would not be homeless, and you could see the goon jacking off in pleasure at seeing me in such a vulnerable place.
The entire year plus that this construction took place I have put up with many terrible experiences. There have been long periods of time that I suffered from headaches and Raphaela from panic attacks from the noise of the drills. There were many days that we had to move out, because the construction beneath us made the living situation unbearable. One of the cement trucks smashed into my car, and I paid 1600 NIS out of my own pocket to fix it, because my land lord and the goon contractor refused to take responsibilty for the damage.
This tops it all.
On the plus side, legally speaking he cannot actually kick me out tomorrow. Maybe he will wait until after Raphaela's surgery, though I doubt he cares one way or the other.
On the mystical side, some proof to me that there is a higher power who listens every once in a while, I happened to bump into a patient today, a kind and ethical man who deals in building and real estate. He told me that he knew of a rennovated apartment in my neighborhood that would be available September 1. He understood my story and could see the stress in my eyes, and said to me, "If you want it, all you have to do is hire the movers." Like I said, G-d listens sometimes.
My landlord (slum lord, to be exact), a religious elderly man, sent one of his goon contractors, an Ultra-Orthodox man, to threaten me; they are trying to illegally hook an apartment into my utilities, so he can rent it out, even though he doesn't have the permission of the city of Jerusalem, or of the Co-op Board of the buidling. When I stated my objection to having to pay double bills on an illegal apartment for an indefinite amount of time, the goon said that he was speaking on behalf of my land lord, that they had no problem whatsoever kicking me and my daughter out on the street so they could find someone who would be more "cooperative" with their plan. Then I had to beg to the point of tears, humiliating myself so that we would not be homeless, and you could see the goon jacking off in pleasure at seeing me in such a vulnerable place.
The entire year plus that this construction took place I have put up with many terrible experiences. There have been long periods of time that I suffered from headaches and Raphaela from panic attacks from the noise of the drills. There were many days that we had to move out, because the construction beneath us made the living situation unbearable. One of the cement trucks smashed into my car, and I paid 1600 NIS out of my own pocket to fix it, because my land lord and the goon contractor refused to take responsibilty for the damage.
This tops it all.
On the plus side, legally speaking he cannot actually kick me out tomorrow. Maybe he will wait until after Raphaela's surgery, though I doubt he cares one way or the other.
On the mystical side, some proof to me that there is a higher power who listens every once in a while, I happened to bump into a patient today, a kind and ethical man who deals in building and real estate. He told me that he knew of a rennovated apartment in my neighborhood that would be available September 1. He understood my story and could see the stress in my eyes, and said to me, "If you want it, all you have to do is hire the movers." Like I said, G-d listens sometimes.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
New York Times Letter
Sorry to wait so long for the heads-up, but I only recently found out that a letter of mine on the subject of single mothers and sperm donors was printed in the International Herald Tribune/New York Times. I responded to an opinion piece by Colton Wooten, an 18 year old son of a SMBC, a child who loves and appreciates his mother but regrets not being able to know more than the basics about his so-called biological father and sperm donor.
Being a techno-idiot, I don't know how to post the direct link, but if you are interested in reading the letter you will find it on http://www.nytimes.com/, under the Opinion section on July 1, 2011.
Being a techno-idiot, I don't know how to post the direct link, but if you are interested in reading the letter you will find it on http://www.nytimes.com/, under the Opinion section on July 1, 2011.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
The Exploration Stage
Years ago, when I had the time to date full time, I bought a book by Harville Hendrix, entitled "Keeping the Love You Find." The book provides a step-by-step process toward examining how personal relationships at every stage of your life has brought you to the state of being Single, starting at birth and until your last adult fling. In fact, the exercises can raise such intense feelings that he recommends that you not date until you have finished and digested the whole book, and can jump in to the gene pool armed with a new and healthy perspective.
I have kept this book because it did force me to see repeating patterns in my unsuccessful dating, and because his descriptions of each stage of childhood development help me understand how Raphaela now views the world and her place in it. As a parent, I strive, to the best of my awareness, to prevent her from getting stuck in later years, when she starts forming love and friendships outside our small circle; especially given the unconventional aspect of her conception.
Hendrix writes, regarding the Exploration stage: "The child's drive is not to be autonomous or separate, but to explore the world...Actually he is torn between his newfound fascination with the world and his conflicting need for reassurance of his mother's continued availability. He wants to leave, but only if everything will be the same when he returns.
Like all children, he refuses to go to bed peacefully. He wants more experience, more fun, another story. He doesn't want to miss anything. What seems like defiance is more indicative of the powerful drive to explore and experiment, and the degree of frustration when that drive is thwarted.
He is exploring, not rebelling."
As a mother, it is my job to set protective limits, watch Raphaela conquer her world, and be proud of her assertiveness.
Raphaela's world is more complicated than mine. Today at the zoo, I heard a child say, "Those bears are from Syria, they are terrorists." The adults snickered and launched into a discussion of Middle East politics. The most I worried about as a sheltered child was the neighbor who lived near the park, who had a large and scary dog. Raphaela's reality in Israel will make her grow up more quickly in many respects, and will give me far more to worry about than whether she knows how to cross the street to visit her friend's house.
Regardless, for the quality of life we have in Jerusalem, and the happiness I feel with Raphaela, we are staying, for now.
I have kept this book because it did force me to see repeating patterns in my unsuccessful dating, and because his descriptions of each stage of childhood development help me understand how Raphaela now views the world and her place in it. As a parent, I strive, to the best of my awareness, to prevent her from getting stuck in later years, when she starts forming love and friendships outside our small circle; especially given the unconventional aspect of her conception.
Hendrix writes, regarding the Exploration stage: "The child's drive is not to be autonomous or separate, but to explore the world...Actually he is torn between his newfound fascination with the world and his conflicting need for reassurance of his mother's continued availability. He wants to leave, but only if everything will be the same when he returns.
Like all children, he refuses to go to bed peacefully. He wants more experience, more fun, another story. He doesn't want to miss anything. What seems like defiance is more indicative of the powerful drive to explore and experiment, and the degree of frustration when that drive is thwarted.
He is exploring, not rebelling."
As a mother, it is my job to set protective limits, watch Raphaela conquer her world, and be proud of her assertiveness.
Raphaela's world is more complicated than mine. Today at the zoo, I heard a child say, "Those bears are from Syria, they are terrorists." The adults snickered and launched into a discussion of Middle East politics. The most I worried about as a sheltered child was the neighbor who lived near the park, who had a large and scary dog. Raphaela's reality in Israel will make her grow up more quickly in many respects, and will give me far more to worry about than whether she knows how to cross the street to visit her friend's house.
Regardless, for the quality of life we have in Jerusalem, and the happiness I feel with Raphaela, we are staying, for now.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Seder 2011
Last year, before flying to the United States, I bought Raphaela a high chair, in anticipation of introducing solid foods at the age of six months. You may recall that Raphaela stayed awake for 25 hours straight, from the time we left Jerusalem and until we arrived at my parents' door step in Boston.
This year, I permanently removed the tray from the high chair and converted the seat so that Raphaela can sit at the table with the adults. She eats everything, except for olives and highly spicy foods, which she finds less appealing. She stayed awake for most of seder, participating as fully as a one and a half year old is able; in her fancy dress, sitting on the floor playing Leggo with the older kids and chatting away, I realized that I have a daughter, a real little girl, a real person.
As much as it shook up our plans when the car died, I must admit that it was fun seder; I felt a genuine warmth and welcome from our hosts, the proceedings were oriented toward the children at the table (as it should be), and it was wonderful to wake up in my own bed this morning. Tonight, trying to stay awake as late as she did for seder, Raphaela passed out on the floor while playing.
One of my friend's sons heard Raphaela last night say a word that sounded like "Abba" (Dad), which prompted him to ask, "Does Raphaela have a father?" Since it was in the middle of the Haggadah, I told him I would explain later, in private, and he said, "Oh, so she has a father but he is not involved in her life, right?" That worked for me.
This year, I permanently removed the tray from the high chair and converted the seat so that Raphaela can sit at the table with the adults. She eats everything, except for olives and highly spicy foods, which she finds less appealing. She stayed awake for most of seder, participating as fully as a one and a half year old is able; in her fancy dress, sitting on the floor playing Leggo with the older kids and chatting away, I realized that I have a daughter, a real little girl, a real person.
As much as it shook up our plans when the car died, I must admit that it was fun seder; I felt a genuine warmth and welcome from our hosts, the proceedings were oriented toward the children at the table (as it should be), and it was wonderful to wake up in my own bed this morning. Tonight, trying to stay awake as late as she did for seder, Raphaela passed out on the floor while playing.
One of my friend's sons heard Raphaela last night say a word that sounded like "Abba" (Dad), which prompted him to ask, "Does Raphaela have a father?" Since it was in the middle of the Haggadah, I told him I would explain later, in private, and he said, "Oh, so she has a father but he is not involved in her life, right?" That worked for me.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Made in Heaven or Hell?
From the Friday weekend edition of Haaretz newspaper:
Matches made in heaven: Rabbi pairs religious gays, lesbians to start families
"Rabbis from the religious Zionist community have launched an initiative to marry gay men to lesbian women...So far, 11 marriages have been performed... [and the ] 12th couple has just announced their engagement. [There is] a list of another 30 gays and 20 lesbians seeking matches.
[T]he current initiative is different in that it stems not from an effort to sweep the issue under the carpet, but from a growing acknowledgment of homosexuality...Most of the couples agree not to have relationships with members of their own sex, but if there are 'lapses' once every few years, they don't see this as a betryal. Generally it's between them and their Creator."
The article brings as an example the first "experimental" couple, Roni and Etti (psuedonyms of course), who say that they are "careful to keep up normal appearances before the children and the outside world, even sleeping in the same room, though they don't sleep together." Their two children were born through artificial insemination. (The wife of the late Palestinian leader, Yassir Arafat, also opted for artificial insemination. Not that I am making any comparison, G-d Forbid, between Arafat and these couples, but why marry a person with whom you can't stand the idea of sex?)
The reason I conceived Raphaela through IUI was to leave room for the right man to come along and join us at some point. I am actively looking for that man who will be my best friend and equal partner, my lover and the father to my current child, and who knows, maybe a brother or sister for Raphaela. I am single not because of my heterosexual identity, but because I have not yet found the right person.
While I applaud the religious Zionist movement for apparently acknowledging that the gay community exists, I don't think they are doing anyone any favors by dressing up these couples as traditional and normal. I believe that children know the truth of their home and their family; I agree with those who oppose this movement who say that being open and true to one's self "leads to more happiness than living a lie."
Oh, and good to know that 'cheating' on one's fictional spouse every few years is between "them and their Creator." That's a positive family value to pass onto the children of these sacred unions.
The article closes by noting that two of the arranged couples are filing for divorce, and the Rabbis in charge worry whether the children of these "experimental marriages will end up suffering."
My point exactly. At the end of the day, all thoughts of all parents - single, married or fictional - must consider the innocent children.
Matches made in heaven: Rabbi pairs religious gays, lesbians to start families
"Rabbis from the religious Zionist community have launched an initiative to marry gay men to lesbian women...So far, 11 marriages have been performed... [and the ] 12th couple has just announced their engagement. [There is] a list of another 30 gays and 20 lesbians seeking matches.
[T]he current initiative is different in that it stems not from an effort to sweep the issue under the carpet, but from a growing acknowledgment of homosexuality...Most of the couples agree not to have relationships with members of their own sex, but if there are 'lapses' once every few years, they don't see this as a betryal. Generally it's between them and their Creator."
The article brings as an example the first "experimental" couple, Roni and Etti (psuedonyms of course), who say that they are "careful to keep up normal appearances before the children and the outside world, even sleeping in the same room, though they don't sleep together." Their two children were born through artificial insemination. (The wife of the late Palestinian leader, Yassir Arafat, also opted for artificial insemination. Not that I am making any comparison, G-d Forbid, between Arafat and these couples, but why marry a person with whom you can't stand the idea of sex?)
The reason I conceived Raphaela through IUI was to leave room for the right man to come along and join us at some point. I am actively looking for that man who will be my best friend and equal partner, my lover and the father to my current child, and who knows, maybe a brother or sister for Raphaela. I am single not because of my heterosexual identity, but because I have not yet found the right person.
While I applaud the religious Zionist movement for apparently acknowledging that the gay community exists, I don't think they are doing anyone any favors by dressing up these couples as traditional and normal. I believe that children know the truth of their home and their family; I agree with those who oppose this movement who say that being open and true to one's self "leads to more happiness than living a lie."
Oh, and good to know that 'cheating' on one's fictional spouse every few years is between "them and their Creator." That's a positive family value to pass onto the children of these sacred unions.
The article closes by noting that two of the arranged couples are filing for divorce, and the Rabbis in charge worry whether the children of these "experimental marriages will end up suffering."
My point exactly. At the end of the day, all thoughts of all parents - single, married or fictional - must consider the innocent children.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Philosophical Crossroads
An article in Haaretz last week highlighted a new genre of children's Hebrew literature for "non-conventional families." With titles like "Little Treasure" (about a jsmbc), "Families, Families, At Least a Million," "Bentsi the Colorful" and "The Cow that Laid an Egg" (about surrogate pregnancies), the market is exploding.
Each night, I read Raphaela an edited version of the English book "Our Story," written by the Donor Conception Network. (She is a little young to learn about sperm and eggs and insemination at this point.) I have seen these Hebrew books and for Raphaela at this stage, I feel that they are too wordy and overly complicated. Utilizing the KISS principle, Raphaela needs to know that there are many different kinds of families, that she was wanted from the very beginning, and that she stands on equal footing as any other child.
This past week I received several email invitations for a "Single Mummies Group" here in Jerusalem. I did not attend because it was one of those days that Raphaela refused to nap at all, and she generally collapses and goes to sleep earlier than usual in this (repeating) situation. I have no problem meeting new people and making new friends, single or otherwise.
But it also made me recall a conversation I had with a JSMBC, one of the first to do so in Jerusalem close to nine years ago. She told me that at a certain point she stopped going to these single mother specific events, because her son was so comfortable with himself and the facts of his conception, and it was counter-productive to remind him that he was different than other children.
This idea was reinforced to me when one of the women who invited me said the following: "This group is important to me because then my son can be around other kids just like him, and not feel like a Freak."
I know that Raphaela will have questions about her conception and her biological father, but I hope that she never feel any less for it. At the age of five, when my mother divorced my biological father, the phenomenon of divorce was rare if almost non-existant, and people in our Jewish community made me feel like a so-called 'Freak.' Today the divorce rate among families stands close to 60% unfortunately, and most every child lives a non-conventional life.
I anticipate that by the time Raphaela starts school, there will be at least three or four other children just like her in her class, and the Single Mom by Choice will represent one of many family options.
Each night, I read Raphaela an edited version of the English book "Our Story," written by the Donor Conception Network. (She is a little young to learn about sperm and eggs and insemination at this point.) I have seen these Hebrew books and for Raphaela at this stage, I feel that they are too wordy and overly complicated. Utilizing the KISS principle, Raphaela needs to know that there are many different kinds of families, that she was wanted from the very beginning, and that she stands on equal footing as any other child.
This past week I received several email invitations for a "Single Mummies Group" here in Jerusalem. I did not attend because it was one of those days that Raphaela refused to nap at all, and she generally collapses and goes to sleep earlier than usual in this (repeating) situation. I have no problem meeting new people and making new friends, single or otherwise.
But it also made me recall a conversation I had with a JSMBC, one of the first to do so in Jerusalem close to nine years ago. She told me that at a certain point she stopped going to these single mother specific events, because her son was so comfortable with himself and the facts of his conception, and it was counter-productive to remind him that he was different than other children.
This idea was reinforced to me when one of the women who invited me said the following: "This group is important to me because then my son can be around other kids just like him, and not feel like a Freak."
I know that Raphaela will have questions about her conception and her biological father, but I hope that she never feel any less for it. At the age of five, when my mother divorced my biological father, the phenomenon of divorce was rare if almost non-existant, and people in our Jewish community made me feel like a so-called 'Freak.' Today the divorce rate among families stands close to 60% unfortunately, and most every child lives a non-conventional life.
I anticipate that by the time Raphaela starts school, there will be at least three or four other children just like her in her class, and the Single Mom by Choice will represent one of many family options.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
(I'm Speechless...)
Here is a copy of a text, word for word, of an ad placed in the Jerusalem Post two weeks ago. I feel I must respond to this misguided woman, and am formulating my thoughts, but I present this for your consideration and response.
==============================================================
Hi,
So there's no real great way to write this so I'll just start plainly and say the following.
I've just turned 40 and I'm a Jewish Orthodox woman. I'm warm, fun and loving and very committed to Judaism and Zionism. I'm told that I'm pretty and I choose to believe that ;-) I don't want to give out too much information but I've got some really great and cool family members.
Bottom line is I'm not married and I really would like to have children and BH still can - I was recently tested. So here's the story, I'm looking for a partner to become a joint-parent with me. If you are frum (I assume you know what this means...) and doven and are a Zionist. If you've got a stable job and are normal (by my standards..which are pretty lenient..) then please free free to contact me at [her gmail address].
Of course we'd have to meet and discuss details such as where to live, send kids to school, mutual visitation rights etc. and everything would have to be written and signed in a contract.
But think about it - you get to have kids with a wonderful Mom and you're free!! Sounds like a good deal to me.
If you're interested, drop me a note.
Yours, Me
===============================================================
So her criteria for a good contractual sperm donor is frum (whatever that means in real life), that he talk to G-d every once in a while and he is normal, sort of, maybe. Or was she planning on sleeping with him?
A woman who wants to teach a child that a "normal" family means that the mother does not love the father, and that the only reason he is involved in the child's life is because he signed a contract.
A woman who thinks that any man who would agree to such a thing would be "free!!" knowing that he has responsiblity for a child. A baby changes a parent's life forever, and no parent is ever "free" in the bachelor sense again.
The only man who would fulfill this criteria would be a gay Orthodox Zionist, not at all attracted to women but wants to be a father. But how would this "frum" woman explain the father's preferences for intimacy?
I've said it before, I will repeat myself now: there should be as rigorous (if not more of ) a screening process for parents as there is for driving licenses.
==============================================================
Hi,
So there's no real great way to write this so I'll just start plainly and say the following.
I've just turned 40 and I'm a Jewish Orthodox woman. I'm warm, fun and loving and very committed to Judaism and Zionism. I'm told that I'm pretty and I choose to believe that ;-) I don't want to give out too much information but I've got some really great and cool family members.
Bottom line is I'm not married and I really would like to have children and BH still can - I was recently tested. So here's the story, I'm looking for a partner to become a joint-parent with me. If you are frum (I assume you know what this means...) and doven and are a Zionist. If you've got a stable job and are normal (by my standards..which are pretty lenient..) then please free free to contact me at [her gmail address].
Of course we'd have to meet and discuss details such as where to live, send kids to school, mutual visitation rights etc. and everything would have to be written and signed in a contract.
But think about it - you get to have kids with a wonderful Mom and you're free!! Sounds like a good deal to me.
If you're interested, drop me a note.
Yours, Me
===============================================================
So her criteria for a good contractual sperm donor is frum (whatever that means in real life), that he talk to G-d every once in a while and he is normal, sort of, maybe. Or was she planning on sleeping with him?
A woman who wants to teach a child that a "normal" family means that the mother does not love the father, and that the only reason he is involved in the child's life is because he signed a contract.
A woman who thinks that any man who would agree to such a thing would be "free!!" knowing that he has responsiblity for a child. A baby changes a parent's life forever, and no parent is ever "free" in the bachelor sense again.
The only man who would fulfill this criteria would be a gay Orthodox Zionist, not at all attracted to women but wants to be a father. But how would this "frum" woman explain the father's preferences for intimacy?
I've said it before, I will repeat myself now: there should be as rigorous (if not more of ) a screening process for parents as there is for driving licenses.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)