Pregnancy: One day you're in, the next, you're out

(With apologies for use of the catch phrase of model Heidi Klum, who seems to procreate like a bunny.)

Today, using the theory that counts from the beginning of my last period, I am six weeks pregnant. I have the nausea and vomiting, the sore breasts, the frequent peeing, and the fatigue.

Today, at the pregnancy follow-up exam at Hadassah, they expected to see a heart beat. They saw a large pregnancy sac, and the hCG levels were astounding, but they did not see a heart beat. The doctor called later to tell me that as far as she is concerned, something has "gone wrong" with this pregnancy, and that I should expect my period soon. A heavier period for sure, to account for the products of a natural abortion.

The doctor also said that if it would make me feel better, I could come back next week for another round of tests, to see if anything had changed; but that essentially, she believes in preparing women for the worst.

The way I see it, I know the insemination was done on January 1, and figuring in actual conception up to three days after that, I am only one month pregnant, and have not lost hope.
At least not all hope for the moment.

And I am trying very hard not to cry, I am not quite ready to mourn something that may in fact only be beginning.

The "What If" Appointment

One week since I had the IUI, and I am not expecting any firm results until next week.

I did, however, meet today with my doctor at Hadassah, to set up an IVF file, just in case this round did not work. I chose to see this visit today as an hour of both our time, hopefully wasted; I would rather throw away a few pages in a pink file, and know that I have a baby growing inside me. (IVF's motto: "Why settle with one injection per night, when you can get three?!")

While at Mount Scopus, I met up with my friend Michal, who thank G-d saw a heart beat this morning - "the size of a sesame seed, but a moving sesame seed" - and can now be transferred to her regular OB/GYN. It is a pleasure to see her so happy.

Awkward Moment (But not for Me)

The head of the IVF department, the 'famous' Professor Horowitz, performed my IUI today. I had been hoping to meet him and yet it was the first time in a year that we met in person, and in the most personal way. He is a lovely man, who obviously cares about all the women under his auspices in the department.

I had been sitting and waiting for my turn today for almost an hour, when one of the nurses with whom I have become particularly close saw me, and insisted that Professor Horowitz help me. I owe Chava a big hug, she also helped me get this "extra" round of IUI by convincing the doctors that my awareness of my body and my logic was sound.

While waiting, an unmarried religious Israeli women who I know from the neighborhood came in to speak to one of the IVF nurses. When a woman walks onto that floor and into that clinic, there is only reason she is there. Yet, she felt uncomfortable recognizing me, and initiated what Douglas Adams calls in his book, The Hitchhiker's Guide, an SEP field ie "Someone Else's Problem." She ignored me, and on her way out, simply said, "Are you sticking around?" To which I replied in the affirmative, as I had sperm in hand and the room was not yet ready.

She walked out quickly, avoiding eye contact. Which is a shame, because I am not at all awkward about my choice, and would have been happy to talk with her, and support her in her own quest.