An ex-boyfriend of mine recently got "outed" on facebook, when a picture of him was posted with two other men at the Haifa Gay Pride parade, holding the rainbow flag. I can't say it surprised me, we broke up after several months because he could not connect to me on either an emotional or physical level; I remember that getting him to open up felt like pulling teeth without novacaine.
What did surprise me was my reaction to the news, essentially a non-reaction. I thought, "He's gay, I had some sense of that when we were dating. I wish him well and hope he finds a love and a relationship that brings him joy."
I grew up in an Ultra-Orthodox Jewish community and school system, where we didn't walk on the same side of the street as a Church, where the boys and the girls sat separately on the school bus, and where we considered anything other than a heterosexual traditional family an "abomination" in the eyes of society and Jewish law.
Today I am a (heterosexual) single mother by choice, part of a growing group of non-traditional families within the traditional Jewish community. The Gay and Lesbian community are considered an "alternative lifestyle," and these developments have heralded a whole new lexicon, a different way of thinking.
I will turn 44 this month, and have begun to feel the experience of my years. I can tell you where I was as a high school senior the moment the shuttle exploded in 1986, and where I was when Ilan Ramon, the first Israeli astronaut, died. 9/11 has replaced the Kennedy assasination for our generation's collective trauma, though here is Israel we live the threat of terrorism on a more visceral and daily basis.
I can remember when no one had a personal computer, when the internet existed strictly for the military and a select group of academics. I cannot conceive of lacking the immediate access to information and people, and laugh when I think that my iphone is more powerful than all the machines and all the sensors that controlled NASA's Appollo missions.
Like most humans on the planet, I know that Big Brother is real, and that privacy and true civil rights died a bloody violent death.
I have a very hard time going to weddings and being seated near the band, the music has become too loud for me. And I keep my reading glasses in the Chiropractic clinic these days, for the small print on medical reports. Here's hoping that raising a toddler keeps me young at heart.
Just stop me, please, when I start a sentence, "I remember The Great War..."
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Inspired Imagination
Inspired by the classic musical piece, Peter and the Wolf, Raphaela set out today on a determined quest to find the wolf that (obviously) lived in our neighborhood, capture it with a rope and take it to the zoo. For the first time since Raphaela started walking, I had a hard time keeping up with her, as she ran down the hill toward the park.
We checked every corner of the park, and then moved on to a little piece of forest nearby. Raphaela called out "Wolf, wolf, where are you?" and carried her imaginary rope with such care and devotion that when it came time for a snack, she handed me the "rope" to safeguard, until she finished eating.
One and a half hours later, the wolf was apprently properly restrained, and Raphaela made sure to give the wolf a kiss before he was taken to the zoo.
Never have I experienced quite the adventure, or the sheer joy of a sharing it with a toddler and her wonderful vivid imatination.
We checked every corner of the park, and then moved on to a little piece of forest nearby. Raphaela called out "Wolf, wolf, where are you?" and carried her imaginary rope with such care and devotion that when it came time for a snack, she handed me the "rope" to safeguard, until she finished eating.
One and a half hours later, the wolf was apprently properly restrained, and Raphaela made sure to give the wolf a kiss before he was taken to the zoo.
Never have I experienced quite the adventure, or the sheer joy of a sharing it with a toddler and her wonderful vivid imatination.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Sleep, Disturbed
Somehow my daughter jumped from toddler habits to teenager habits in the last week, and has now decided that nine thirty pm is a much better time to get into bed, rather than the 7:30- 8 pm to which I had acclimated and enjoyed.
She uses all those clever children requests, like "I'm thirsty," "I have to go to the bathroom," "My finger hurts, " "Please put on the music again." Topped off with, "I want to play some more with Mommy." I often wonder where children learn this, especially given with Raphaela that she has no older siblings in the house to teach her or to model behaviour.
As I was saying to a friend of mine yesterday, also a parent of toddlers, the net result is the complete loss of my private time, during which I would possibly eat something, read a book, watch television or talk to adult friends and have a healthy grown-up conversation. I also go to sleep later that I had planned, in order to detox from the day, and as a consequence, do not get enough hours of absolutely needed rest for myself.
She uses all those clever children requests, like "I'm thirsty," "I have to go to the bathroom," "My finger hurts, " "Please put on the music again." Topped off with, "I want to play some more with Mommy." I often wonder where children learn this, especially given with Raphaela that she has no older siblings in the house to teach her or to model behaviour.
As I was saying to a friend of mine yesterday, also a parent of toddlers, the net result is the complete loss of my private time, during which I would possibly eat something, read a book, watch television or talk to adult friends and have a healthy grown-up conversation. I also go to sleep later that I had planned, in order to detox from the day, and as a consequence, do not get enough hours of absolutely needed rest for myself.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
On Shabbat, I asked Raphaela if she needed to use the toilet, and she replied, "I will wait until I get to Gan." Explaining that she cannot possibly hold it in for the next 24 hours, that Gan was closed, she shrugged her shoulders Israeli-kid style, and continued playing.
===================================================================
Yesterday afternoon, after picking up Raphaela from Gan, it was clear from her behaviour and her responses that she was desperately overtired. For several hours, nothing I offered was acceptable, and only led to more tears and a confusing array of communication between us.
As a mother, at the very least it felt frustrating, being unable to reach her and knowing that a calming bath and an early night's sleep would resolve most of the issues, options she adamantly refused. I also knew that I would have a difficult time within myself, feeling somehow inadequate as a parent.
Ultimately, Raphaela fell asleep on my lap, in the middle of a dramatic reading of The Lion Who Loved Strawberries. I finished the story over her sighs and snores.
===================================================================
Yesterday afternoon, after picking up Raphaela from Gan, it was clear from her behaviour and her responses that she was desperately overtired. For several hours, nothing I offered was acceptable, and only led to more tears and a confusing array of communication between us.
As a mother, at the very least it felt frustrating, being unable to reach her and knowing that a calming bath and an early night's sleep would resolve most of the issues, options she adamantly refused. I also knew that I would have a difficult time within myself, feeling somehow inadequate as a parent.
Ultimately, Raphaela fell asleep on my lap, in the middle of a dramatic reading of The Lion Who Loved Strawberries. I finished the story over her sighs and snores.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
New Video: Where the Hell is Matt
http://www.wherethehellismatt.com/
It will make you laugh and cry, to see this burst of the diversity of humanity, and the sublime silliness of the whole adventure.
It will make you laugh and cry, to see this burst of the diversity of humanity, and the sublime silliness of the whole adventure.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Going Cold Turkey
Several months ago, before Shavuot, I spoke to the Head Nursery Teacher about starting serious toilet training at home, with the full support and cooperation of the Gan during the daytime hours. I was told at the time that it was "inconvenient," because at least six other children were in the process of toilet training, and she did not want to spread the resources of the nursery staff too thin.
I felt slightly resentful that my daughter got sidelined, held my breath and figured the appropriate moment would arrive. Truthfully, diapers represent a certain ease for me as a parent, regardless of their cost to my budget, or to the planet.
Last night, I got a late-night call from the Head Nursery Teacher telling me to bring a whole supply of girl's underwear to Gan today, that it was now "Raphaela's turn," and she practically guaranteed that the whole business would be done by the end of the week.
I am realistic enough to know that there will success and failure, and that I will end up doing lots of laundry, until Raphaela is completely comfortable with her new Big Girl status, and I will joyously support Raphaela for as long as it takes.
I felt slightly resentful that my daughter got sidelined, held my breath and figured the appropriate moment would arrive. Truthfully, diapers represent a certain ease for me as a parent, regardless of their cost to my budget, or to the planet.
Last night, I got a late-night call from the Head Nursery Teacher telling me to bring a whole supply of girl's underwear to Gan today, that it was now "Raphaela's turn," and she practically guaranteed that the whole business would be done by the end of the week.
I am realistic enough to know that there will success and failure, and that I will end up doing lots of laundry, until Raphaela is completely comfortable with her new Big Girl status, and I will joyously support Raphaela for as long as it takes.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Halachic Infertility
The Jewish laws of Ritual Purity state that a woman after her "unclean period" must wait a full week, dip properly in a ritual bath (mikvah) and then has two weeks of free and clear Rabbinically sanctified sex.
That would be nice if all women had a 28-30 day cycle; with girls getting their periods earlier than in the past, at the average age of ten instead of 12 or 13, and with the extension of fertility well into the 40's, that is no longer the case. In fact, I have a very short cycle (23-25 days), and it took many attempts in terms of the timing in order to become pregnant, and stay pregnant with Raphaela.
An article in The Forward today addressed this issue, women who ovulate while still in that week long period of "niddah "(post period impurity) and community Rabbis who would not dare to amend the status quo, even on a case-to-case basis. The article quotes my very excellent and capable GYN here in Jerusalem, Dr. Daniel Rosenak; an Orthodox man himself, he suggests that the standard revert to pre-Talmudic guidelines, thus allowing a woman to go the mikvah before one week, in sync with her individual cycle. Another suggestion involves a woman receiving IUI (presumably with her husband's sperm) at the peak of ovulation and before the mikvah, because it doesn't count as actual sex; though some Orthodox Rabbis worry for the spiritual harm to the potential child's soul, and the halachic issue of "spilling seed." (Because men don't masturbate, ever, right?!)
I commend the Orthodox community for dealing with the issues of fertility in a more direct and public manner, because there is no reason for a woman to suffer quietly or feel shame about her body for no reason.
That would be nice if all women had a 28-30 day cycle; with girls getting their periods earlier than in the past, at the average age of ten instead of 12 or 13, and with the extension of fertility well into the 40's, that is no longer the case. In fact, I have a very short cycle (23-25 days), and it took many attempts in terms of the timing in order to become pregnant, and stay pregnant with Raphaela.
An article in The Forward today addressed this issue, women who ovulate while still in that week long period of "niddah "(post period impurity) and community Rabbis who would not dare to amend the status quo, even on a case-to-case basis. The article quotes my very excellent and capable GYN here in Jerusalem, Dr. Daniel Rosenak; an Orthodox man himself, he suggests that the standard revert to pre-Talmudic guidelines, thus allowing a woman to go the mikvah before one week, in sync with her individual cycle. Another suggestion involves a woman receiving IUI (presumably with her husband's sperm) at the peak of ovulation and before the mikvah, because it doesn't count as actual sex; though some Orthodox Rabbis worry for the spiritual harm to the potential child's soul, and the halachic issue of "spilling seed." (Because men don't masturbate, ever, right?!)
I commend the Orthodox community for dealing with the issues of fertility in a more direct and public manner, because there is no reason for a woman to suffer quietly or feel shame about her body for no reason.
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