Several years ago, simply for the sake of convenience ie a two-for-one discount on the annual membership, I joined the pool with a symbolic "spouse," a woman named Ilana who at the time was a stranger, and is now someone I consider a friend.
I had not seen her for at least two monthss; she swims much earlier in the morning than I do. Today we were finally there around the same time, and I looked at her mock seriously and said, "As my spouse, you should know that I am expecting a baby."
Ilana of course was pleased to hear the news, joined in the joke and said, "I'm going to be a father."
Nice way to start the day.
But here's a math riddle: My subscription to the pool and gym expires in June, and I am due to give birth in September. A three month membership (not including locker) apparently costs 1700 NIS, while a year's membership costs around 2000 NIS. Hmm...maybe I will simply buy myself a treadmill for the house, as I don't know how long it will take me to get back to the gym after the birth.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Popularity Contest
When I was going through fertility treatment and desperately needed my mother's emotional support, she refused to talk to me. When I told my mother that I had succeeded that they had another grandchild on the way, she worried what others would think if they found out.
That tune has changed in the last week, Lord knows why. In the world of Junior High School (at the age of 63), my being pregnant as a single parent has made my mother the most popular girl in the synagogue. She calls me every day and starts with the sentence, "This is who I told today, I told them all about you, and this is what they said..."
I keep telling my mother that I don't care if I have the approval of people from the outside world who barely know me. I keep telling my mother that I will only let her around my child if she does not show negativity and judgement. And yet, she persists, insisting that this is her way of showing how happy she is for me, in her oddly constructed fantasy world.
The Rabbi of their synagogue - the same man who sanctioned putting my brain-dead grandfather into a further coma, for the sake of halacha, a man who knows little to nothing about modern medical procedures - was happy for me. Wow, that made my day.
My intolerant and judgemental relatives on my father's side, ultra-religious men and women who have not spoken to me in over twenty years, or invited me to any family events on their side, because I was not religious enough for them; parents who married off their children at the age of 17; they assured my mother that my having a child will not prevent me from getting married. Like I hadn't said that to my mother several times in the last month.
My mother also told absolute strangers, like the mother of my sister-in-law's Rabbi in Washington DC, and expected me to be overjoyed that random strangers across the globe have my best interests in mind. My mother is continually surprised that people have been "nice" and "lovely."
The most important stamp of approval yet has been the local synagogue yenta, a woman to whom my mother was afraid to talk, given the speed at which the news would travel once "Mrs. V" knew about it, the chain of gossip that would mortify my mother within her community. Mrs. V wants me to use the same Douala her daughter in Jerusalem used, and has volunteered to be my long-distance breastfeeding coach. She herself had all of her children on the floor of their living room, with an audience, and believes in breast feeding well into the late toddler years.
G-d bless my mother for embracing this pregnancy, but oh how I wish she would learn after all these years that unless you love and accept yourself, until you can take full responsibility for your choices and their consequences, all the external validation in the world is not worth a damn.
That tune has changed in the last week, Lord knows why. In the world of Junior High School (at the age of 63), my being pregnant as a single parent has made my mother the most popular girl in the synagogue. She calls me every day and starts with the sentence, "This is who I told today, I told them all about you, and this is what they said..."
I keep telling my mother that I don't care if I have the approval of people from the outside world who barely know me. I keep telling my mother that I will only let her around my child if she does not show negativity and judgement. And yet, she persists, insisting that this is her way of showing how happy she is for me, in her oddly constructed fantasy world.
The Rabbi of their synagogue - the same man who sanctioned putting my brain-dead grandfather into a further coma, for the sake of halacha, a man who knows little to nothing about modern medical procedures - was happy for me. Wow, that made my day.
My intolerant and judgemental relatives on my father's side, ultra-religious men and women who have not spoken to me in over twenty years, or invited me to any family events on their side, because I was not religious enough for them; parents who married off their children at the age of 17; they assured my mother that my having a child will not prevent me from getting married. Like I hadn't said that to my mother several times in the last month.
My mother also told absolute strangers, like the mother of my sister-in-law's Rabbi in Washington DC, and expected me to be overjoyed that random strangers across the globe have my best interests in mind. My mother is continually surprised that people have been "nice" and "lovely."
The most important stamp of approval yet has been the local synagogue yenta, a woman to whom my mother was afraid to talk, given the speed at which the news would travel once "Mrs. V" knew about it, the chain of gossip that would mortify my mother within her community. Mrs. V wants me to use the same Douala her daughter in Jerusalem used, and has volunteered to be my long-distance breastfeeding coach. She herself had all of her children on the floor of their living room, with an audience, and believes in breast feeding well into the late toddler years.
G-d bless my mother for embracing this pregnancy, but oh how I wish she would learn after all these years that unless you love and accept yourself, until you can take full responsibility for your choices and their consequences, all the external validation in the world is not worth a damn.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
We're Everywhere...
It is an odd phenomenon, once I became pregnant, it seemed that pregnant women appeared everywhere, on the streets where I do my daily errands and on television programs. Every time a character in a movie or program acts conflicted or has been throwing up, I say (speaking to the other clueless characters in the show), "Can't you figure it out, she's pregnant!" And lo and behold, I am correct.
In my real life, I have had two encounters recently, both of which leave me concerned. First, I received a phone call from an acquaintance, a woman who knows that I have gone through the fertility process and Hadassah Hospital and for a long time, has considered doing so herself. There was an urgency to her phone call, she basically wanted me to tell her that it was OK for a single religious women in Jerusalem to bring a child into the world. She wanted me to tell her that the sperm bank was professional and reliable, that not necessarily having a male figure in the home would cause no harm to the social and emotional development of the child. She spoke of her ticking biological clock, and then said that perhaps she would get herself pregnant, and hope she wanted the baby by the time he/she was born.
I told this woman in no uncertain terms that she must fully understand the lifelong responsibility that a child represents, before she "gets herself pregnant." No one else can make that decision for her.
I explained to her that I thought about this for two years, and did thorough research in the financial and emotional realms before committing 100% to becoming a single mother. I confided in her that while I have real fears regarding being a single parent, I am not counting on there being a husband and father in our lives, and yet, I continue to enjoy every day of this pregnancy.
The next day, I saw a posting on a public Jerusalem Anglo-Saxon site from a woman named Miriam: "I am a single religious woman in my mid-40's who has not yet found her bashert. The doctors screwed up [Author's note: Highly unlikely], and the social workers have found me unfit to adopt a child. I am looking for a healthy sperm donor, aged 18-30, a man to have no involvement with me or the child once the donation is made; I will pay you 400 NIS and if it works out, I will send you other customers."
Although I normally do not bother to respond to postings I find idiotic, I found this entry terrifying. I immediately wrote back to her regarding the dangers of taking on an unknown donor, both in the short term and the long term. She will have no assurances of this man's health, nor will she have any legal protection in the future. Furthermore, if she was found unfit to adopt, I suggested that she undergo psychological counselling before involving an innocent child.
As a doctor, I find it hard enough to see completely dysfunctional couples have children whom they ruin, children who live in an environment filled with unhealthy tension rather than love; and yet, their situation is far more acceptable because they represent a traditional family situation. We need a license to drive a car, to work in our profession, and to get married, while anyone can conceive a child. There should be a test for the most amazing, most difficult and most important job on the planet.
In my real life, I have had two encounters recently, both of which leave me concerned. First, I received a phone call from an acquaintance, a woman who knows that I have gone through the fertility process and Hadassah Hospital and for a long time, has considered doing so herself. There was an urgency to her phone call, she basically wanted me to tell her that it was OK for a single religious women in Jerusalem to bring a child into the world. She wanted me to tell her that the sperm bank was professional and reliable, that not necessarily having a male figure in the home would cause no harm to the social and emotional development of the child. She spoke of her ticking biological clock, and then said that perhaps she would get herself pregnant, and hope she wanted the baby by the time he/she was born.
I told this woman in no uncertain terms that she must fully understand the lifelong responsibility that a child represents, before she "gets herself pregnant." No one else can make that decision for her.
I explained to her that I thought about this for two years, and did thorough research in the financial and emotional realms before committing 100% to becoming a single mother. I confided in her that while I have real fears regarding being a single parent, I am not counting on there being a husband and father in our lives, and yet, I continue to enjoy every day of this pregnancy.
The next day, I saw a posting on a public Jerusalem Anglo-Saxon site from a woman named Miriam: "I am a single religious woman in my mid-40's who has not yet found her bashert. The doctors screwed up [Author's note: Highly unlikely], and the social workers have found me unfit to adopt a child. I am looking for a healthy sperm donor, aged 18-30, a man to have no involvement with me or the child once the donation is made; I will pay you 400 NIS and if it works out, I will send you other customers."
Although I normally do not bother to respond to postings I find idiotic, I found this entry terrifying. I immediately wrote back to her regarding the dangers of taking on an unknown donor, both in the short term and the long term. She will have no assurances of this man's health, nor will she have any legal protection in the future. Furthermore, if she was found unfit to adopt, I suggested that she undergo psychological counselling before involving an innocent child.
As a doctor, I find it hard enough to see completely dysfunctional couples have children whom they ruin, children who live in an environment filled with unhealthy tension rather than love; and yet, their situation is far more acceptable because they represent a traditional family situation. We need a license to drive a car, to work in our profession, and to get married, while anyone can conceive a child. There should be a test for the most amazing, most difficult and most important job on the planet.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Open Mouth, Insert Foot
I decided that the time had arrived to tell my two aunts, my mother's sisters, that I was expecting, as growing up, I had been particularly close to them and their children.
More afraid of telling "D", because lives squarely in that Jewish Orthodox (lobotomized) life, she was immediately enthusiastic and supportive; and her two sons, both Orthodox Rabbis, felt that single parenting in 21rst century was a halachic non-issue, no biggie.
My aunt "H" on the other hand, has shattered every expectation. Unfortunately, for all her supposed open-mindedness, liberal views of the world, and intelligence, she has managed to get it all wrong. This is the email she sent out to her three boys, informing them of my news, with my own commentary attached:
"So, one of your cousins is pregnant..."
Oooh the suspense, who could it be? Let's make this a dramatic moment in the Keller family history. Everyone hold your breath now...
"She has been trying to get pregnant for a while now (artificial insemination, of course!)"
I either take that to mean that I should not be misconstrued as a slut who got knocked up; or that it means that "of course!" no man would want to be in a relationship with me or have a child with me, so "of course!" I had to go the sterile medical route.
"and she is due around Yom Kippur time."
"While this is quite uncommon and unacceptable in American Jewish Orthodox circles,"
Nuh-uh. I have a blessing from the Chief Rabbi of the RCA, the Orthodox Union in America.
"apparently it is very popular in Israel."
What's in This Spring? Pastels, and Single Mothers. Get it while it's hot! And since when has my iconoclastic aunt become the aurthority on traditional Orthodox Judaism, since when does she care what the mainstream thinks?
"Because so many Israeli men die in the army, there is apparently an excess of single women!"
How did she pull that erroneous and bogus explanation out of her ass? I am trying to imagine the scene in modern-day Israel, a bunch of Amazonian type women wandering the cities with their children in tow, foraging for daily existence and capturing the few men they can find in order to mate.
I never asked her, nor is it appropriate for my aunt to justify my choices; I have chastised my parents when they have attempted the same offensive maneuver. If H even felt the need, she could have come up the truest, most respectful and simple sentence: "She would love to be married but has not yet found the right person, and she did not want to miss out on the experience of being a mother."
It is times like these when I am ever so grateful that I live in Israel, 6,000 miles away from the meddling and negative influence of my family.
More afraid of telling "D", because lives squarely in that Jewish Orthodox (lobotomized) life, she was immediately enthusiastic and supportive; and her two sons, both Orthodox Rabbis, felt that single parenting in 21rst century was a halachic non-issue, no biggie.
My aunt "H" on the other hand, has shattered every expectation. Unfortunately, for all her supposed open-mindedness, liberal views of the world, and intelligence, she has managed to get it all wrong. This is the email she sent out to her three boys, informing them of my news, with my own commentary attached:
"So, one of your cousins is pregnant..."
Oooh the suspense, who could it be? Let's make this a dramatic moment in the Keller family history. Everyone hold your breath now...
"She has been trying to get pregnant for a while now (artificial insemination, of course!)"
I either take that to mean that I should not be misconstrued as a slut who got knocked up; or that it means that "of course!" no man would want to be in a relationship with me or have a child with me, so "of course!" I had to go the sterile medical route.
"and she is due around Yom Kippur time."
"While this is quite uncommon and unacceptable in American Jewish Orthodox circles,"
Nuh-uh. I have a blessing from the Chief Rabbi of the RCA, the Orthodox Union in America.
"apparently it is very popular in Israel."
What's in This Spring? Pastels, and Single Mothers. Get it while it's hot! And since when has my iconoclastic aunt become the aurthority on traditional Orthodox Judaism, since when does she care what the mainstream thinks?
"Because so many Israeli men die in the army, there is apparently an excess of single women!"
How did she pull that erroneous and bogus explanation out of her ass? I am trying to imagine the scene in modern-day Israel, a bunch of Amazonian type women wandering the cities with their children in tow, foraging for daily existence and capturing the few men they can find in order to mate.
I never asked her, nor is it appropriate for my aunt to justify my choices; I have chastised my parents when they have attempted the same offensive maneuver. If H even felt the need, she could have come up the truest, most respectful and simple sentence: "She would love to be married but has not yet found the right person, and she did not want to miss out on the experience of being a mother."
It is times like these when I am ever so grateful that I live in Israel, 6,000 miles away from the meddling and negative influence of my family.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
The Date, Part II
I met with this gentleman at a coffee house near my apartment, and it was so early that we were the only ones there, and the waitress ignored us for a good five minutes, while they were setting up for the day. In those five minutes, this man muttered, mantra-like, under his breath, "The waitress should come over to us. Someone should go get the waitress." At which point I got up and said, "Alright, I shall go call the waitress."
When the waitress came over, for some reason she had forgotten the breakfast menus, and so I requested that she bring them. This man said, "Boy, you are a bossy one, aren't you?" I thought to myself, "No, you are wimp who is looking to marry your mother, a woman who will take care of the man/child in your 43 year old body."
The rest of the conversation was pleasant enough, but not enough for me to be interested in seeing him again, and I certainly did not see the need to disclose the fact that I am "with child." As the date ended, I thanked him for breakfast and told him that I did not see this working in the long term.
Perhaps my idea of a stable and equally beneficial marriage with my best friend and lover, father of my/our children sets the bar a bit high, but for now I am sticking with it.
Of course to Mr. Clueless, "no" still does not mean "no", and so he called me last night, when I was out of the house, attending celebrations for Israel's 61rst birthday. I hate to take the passive-aggressive route, but perhaps if I simply ignore the phone message he will understand.
When the waitress came over, for some reason she had forgotten the breakfast menus, and so I requested that she bring them. This man said, "Boy, you are a bossy one, aren't you?" I thought to myself, "No, you are wimp who is looking to marry your mother, a woman who will take care of the man/child in your 43 year old body."
The rest of the conversation was pleasant enough, but not enough for me to be interested in seeing him again, and I certainly did not see the need to disclose the fact that I am "with child." As the date ended, I thanked him for breakfast and told him that I did not see this working in the long term.
Perhaps my idea of a stable and equally beneficial marriage with my best friend and lover, father of my/our children sets the bar a bit high, but for now I am sticking with it.
Of course to Mr. Clueless, "no" still does not mean "no", and so he called me last night, when I was out of the house, attending celebrations for Israel's 61rst birthday. I hate to take the passive-aggressive route, but perhaps if I simply ignore the phone message he will understand.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
The Dating Disclosure Dilemna
A matchmaker called me this week, I had not spoken to this woman in several years. She asked if I was available, and I said "yes," neglecting to inform her that I was pregnant. She suggested a forty-something divorced man with two children, whom she supposedly knows personally; I gave her permission to give him my cell phone number.
The first time he called, it was past 11 pm and I was sleeping at the time. The second time he called, it was the night of Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Rememberence Day), in the middle of the national ceremony, and I implied that I felt it inappropriate to socialize when the country was mourning six million dead Jews. The third time he called, he wanted to get together for a date on Yom Hazikaron, the national day of mourning in Israel for its dead soldiers.
We have tentatively set up to meet for breakfast this coming Monday, before Yom Hazikaron. I already have some doubts regarding his common sense.
Afterwards, I thought about the fact that this man (and the matchmaker) do not know that I am pregnant, and that this could be an important point of information. When I mentioned this to my mother in passing, she initially snarled at me for even considering not dating while pregnant, and then advised me to date this man until he was "addicted" to me, and then to casually inform him that I came as a package deal.
This approach strikes me as totally inappropriate in its dishonesty, and it only reflects my mother's continuing desperation to see me married, even if it means I am miserable or the pairing was obtained through deception. The Big Lie is the one thing I do not abide, both in my own behaviour and from my friends; why would I want to poison a relationship that way?
When I became pregnant, I held no illusions regarding my dating life for the next nine months. A woman with a child is quite a different story than a woman growing a baby inside her, regardless of the fact that I can still look skinny in a pair of jeans.
My father felt that I should meet this man in person, and asses whether I even want to spend time with him, and then decide regarding the timing or more so, the need, to mention the baby. My brother - who at the moment is trying to set up a friend of his, a highly functioning deaf person - believes that this child represents an integral part of me, my choices and my future, and that it should not be hidden. I could not agree more.
My friend (AS), one of the few single male friends I have left, felt so strongly that he wanted me to cancel the date altogether. That if he were in that position, he would want to know that his potential blind date was with child.
I plan to meet this man for coffee, rather than break the news over the phone before hand. To me, it is the most honest and respectful way to handle this situation.
The first time he called, it was past 11 pm and I was sleeping at the time. The second time he called, it was the night of Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Rememberence Day), in the middle of the national ceremony, and I implied that I felt it inappropriate to socialize when the country was mourning six million dead Jews. The third time he called, he wanted to get together for a date on Yom Hazikaron, the national day of mourning in Israel for its dead soldiers.
We have tentatively set up to meet for breakfast this coming Monday, before Yom Hazikaron. I already have some doubts regarding his common sense.
Afterwards, I thought about the fact that this man (and the matchmaker) do not know that I am pregnant, and that this could be an important point of information. When I mentioned this to my mother in passing, she initially snarled at me for even considering not dating while pregnant, and then advised me to date this man until he was "addicted" to me, and then to casually inform him that I came as a package deal.
This approach strikes me as totally inappropriate in its dishonesty, and it only reflects my mother's continuing desperation to see me married, even if it means I am miserable or the pairing was obtained through deception. The Big Lie is the one thing I do not abide, both in my own behaviour and from my friends; why would I want to poison a relationship that way?
When I became pregnant, I held no illusions regarding my dating life for the next nine months. A woman with a child is quite a different story than a woman growing a baby inside her, regardless of the fact that I can still look skinny in a pair of jeans.
My father felt that I should meet this man in person, and asses whether I even want to spend time with him, and then decide regarding the timing or more so, the need, to mention the baby. My brother - who at the moment is trying to set up a friend of his, a highly functioning deaf person - believes that this child represents an integral part of me, my choices and my future, and that it should not be hidden. I could not agree more.
My friend (AS), one of the few single male friends I have left, felt so strongly that he wanted me to cancel the date altogether. That if he were in that position, he would want to know that his potential blind date was with child.
I plan to meet this man for coffee, rather than break the news over the phone before hand. To me, it is the most honest and respectful way to handle this situation.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Amazing Grace
In the past two months, I have had two major ultra-sounds and three blood tests. The wonderful fruition of the poking and scanning arrived yesterday: I received the results of the Integrated Testing and Genetic Testing, and according to these results, my child (despite my 'advanced' age) is thank G-d healthy, with only a 1 in 12,000 chance of having a birth defect. The statistical average for my age is generally a scary 1 in 75.
Which means, no amnio for me, and it means that approximately half way through my pregnancy, I have only three major exams left.
When I spoke to my doctor about the results yesterday, I could not contain my joy, and afterwards burst out spontaneously in song, a heart-felt rendition of "Amazing Grace." The Universe and I are truly in a good place at the moment.
Of course, because I lost about eight kilo during the first trimester, I am not yet showing; and as of my last weigh-in at the gynecologist, my weight has been stable for the last two months. Who knew that pregnancy could provide the ultimate diet?! Yet, every morning I wake up and examine myself in the mirror, and think to myself, "Am I fat today?" It makes me laugh, women spend their whole life trying to look sexy and thin, and I want to have a belly.
On a sad note, the whole question of how to break the news to my ultra-conservative grandfather has become moot. He fell into a coma several weeks ago, and is being sustained on all sorts of life support machinery. Today would have been his 91rst birthday, happy birthday Zaide.
Which means, no amnio for me, and it means that approximately half way through my pregnancy, I have only three major exams left.
When I spoke to my doctor about the results yesterday, I could not contain my joy, and afterwards burst out spontaneously in song, a heart-felt rendition of "Amazing Grace." The Universe and I are truly in a good place at the moment.
Of course, because I lost about eight kilo during the first trimester, I am not yet showing; and as of my last weigh-in at the gynecologist, my weight has been stable for the last two months. Who knew that pregnancy could provide the ultimate diet?! Yet, every morning I wake up and examine myself in the mirror, and think to myself, "Am I fat today?" It makes me laugh, women spend their whole life trying to look sexy and thin, and I want to have a belly.
On a sad note, the whole question of how to break the news to my ultra-conservative grandfather has become moot. He fell into a coma several weeks ago, and is being sustained on all sorts of life support machinery. Today would have been his 91rst birthday, happy birthday Zaide.
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