Through therapy but mostly life experience, I had long given up on changing my family, but especially my parents; parents and children tend to get locked in patterns that rarely evolve. My mother and father have known about my attempts to become pregnant, and the subject was stuffed away in the Denial Box. I figured that when the baby was a fact on the ground, they would accept their role as grandparents, or not.
Perhaps it is the season of introspection and forgiveness, or perhaps it was the ultimatum that I gave my mother; mainly, I told her (and I meant it) recently that I was a 40 year old grown up who did not have to ask her for permission to get pregnant, and that if she chose to sit in the corner and stew, it was her loss, not mine. But right before Yom Kippur, my mother and I experienced a break-through in our relationship, and specifically as regards the potential that I will become a mother myself before I become a wife.
We talked, she cried and apologized for her actions and words not reflecting her intentions. I told her that I was angry at G-d, the Universe and Everything for the loss of this last pregnancy, and that I felt that I could not sit and pray when "G-d and I have nothing to talk about." Mom may have been thinking that my lack of traditional participation in Yom Kippur prayers would send me straight to Hell, but what she said was, "I guess that is between you and G-d." ( I did fast for the occasion of the Day of Attonement.)
As much as I can feel the support of my parents from 6,000 miles away, it is a far better and more secure place than I have ever been.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
One More Chance
Despite the nurse's optimism this morning, I knew that I was not pregnant, and took the blood tests to check the beta hCG levels, which were as expected, negative. After a long consultation with the doctor, here is the current plan:
1. October: break time, due to Jewish holidays. I get to use this opportunity to take all sorts of lovely and invasive tests in preparation for switching from IUI to IVF.
2. November: last chance for an IUI cycle, aided by hormones, after which we switch over to the IVF plan.
Upside? Less lines for blood tests.
Downside? Many more hormones and a procedure of egg collection that will need to put me under anesthesia, and will put me out of commission for two to three days afterward.
I am very much hoping it does not come to that.
1. October: break time, due to Jewish holidays. I get to use this opportunity to take all sorts of lovely and invasive tests in preparation for switching from IUI to IVF.
2. November: last chance for an IUI cycle, aided by hormones, after which we switch over to the IVF plan.
Upside? Less lines for blood tests.
Downside? Many more hormones and a procedure of egg collection that will need to put me under anesthesia, and will put me out of commission for two to three days afterward.
I am very much hoping it does not come to that.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Return of an Old Enemy
On Sunday I literally vomited from the morning and through the night, and while a small part of me hoped that this was hell's version of morning sickness, it felt too much like the PMS I used to have as a teenager.
On Monday I was doubled over with pain, like a knife sticking into my stomach, a pain so bad I could not work.
This morning I got my period, and instead of being kind and loving to myself, I find myself being sad and quite angry at my body. And angry at the Universe for deciding that I do not deserve to have love in my life from a husband, nor do I deserve a child.
In this same morning, I was so distracted with my anger that I neglected to notice an open door on the porch, and walked into a pane of glass. Better than any soft break I ever did in karate. And the washing machine broke, and the hot water boiler needs to be replaced.
Hell of a way to go into Yom Kippur.
On Monday I was doubled over with pain, like a knife sticking into my stomach, a pain so bad I could not work.
This morning I got my period, and instead of being kind and loving to myself, I find myself being sad and quite angry at my body. And angry at the Universe for deciding that I do not deserve to have love in my life from a husband, nor do I deserve a child.
In this same morning, I was so distracted with my anger that I neglected to notice an open door on the porch, and walked into a pane of glass. Better than any soft break I ever did in karate. And the washing machine broke, and the hot water boiler needs to be replaced.
Hell of a way to go into Yom Kippur.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The Not Quite Pregnant Test
I was supposed to go to the Hospital early this morning to take a blood test, to check my levels of Progesterone. Why? Because the level might say that you might be pregnant. Why? Because that is the procedure (arms folded in stubborn indignation).
I looked at the time, felt exhausted and asked myself why there was any reason to possibly boost my hopes when I could wait one more week, take the official betaHcG pregnancy test, and know for certain. I agreed with myself and turned over and slept for two more hours, and then went to the pool.
A morning well spent.
I looked at the time, felt exhausted and asked myself why there was any reason to possibly boost my hopes when I could wait one more week, take the official betaHcG pregnancy test, and know for certain. I agreed with myself and turned over and slept for two more hours, and then went to the pool.
A morning well spent.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Does Doctor Know Best? (Round Six)
15/9/08 (Monday): After a much more successful attempt this past round, a huge mountain of stress ended that pregnancy and even brought my period on early. I met today with my doctor at Hadassah and we spoke and consulted for over a half hour, and decided to give it one more try before the Jewish holidays begin.
A friend and colleague of mine, a woman who happens to be an extremely dedicated and knowledgeable Women's Health specialist, is convinced that the reason the pregnancies are not working is because I have an undiagnosed case of PCOS. She is like a dog with a bone, and I will be getting the damned insulin tolerance test despite the fact that the doctors at Hadassah had considered and disregarded that possibility.
18/9/08 (Thursday): Blood tests and ultra-sound at Hadassah Hospital, onward with the plan of 100 cc of Puregon injections for the next several days. They seem to be ignoring the small cysts they saw on the ultra-sound, apparently it is not getting in the way of their projections.
19/9/08 (Friday): Massive fight with my mother because my aunt opened her very large mouth and told my mother that I was trying to get pregnant and didn't want to tell her. All the stress and drama that I was hoping to avoid, right at my doorstep.
21/9/08 (Sunday): Blood tests and ultra-sound, looks like the goal of an IUI on Tuesday has been pushed forward a few days, due to the fact that my follicles aren't quite as large as we would all like. Time again to rearrange my work schedule for the week. I also have an appointment this week with my GP, to try to setting the PCOS question once and for all.
22/9/08 (Monday): My GP believes that I have had enough invasive testing for the moment, that there is no real indicator to presume PCOS, and that the hormones with which I am injecting myself should plow through anything going on down there. Also had a session of fertility acupuncture today, in anticipation of the IUI later this week.
23/9/08 (Tuesday): The acupuncture worked like a charm, while I had three small follicles on Sunday, I now have 5 small to medium follicles. Because of the timing of the Jewish holidays, the schedule should proceed for Thursday, with another session of acupuncture and mega hormones in the next 36 hours.
A friend and colleague of mine, a woman who happens to be an extremely dedicated and knowledgeable Women's Health specialist, is convinced that the reason the pregnancies are not working is because I have an undiagnosed case of PCOS. She is like a dog with a bone, and I will be getting the damned insulin tolerance test despite the fact that the doctors at Hadassah had considered and disregarded that possibility.
16/9/08 (Tuesday): I got a call this morning from Rut, the woman in charge of the Sperm Bank. Normally a serious individual, she had called to see how I was doing, to encourage me and to let me know that the new choice of donor was "something special," in her estimation. I felt wonderful to see the more human side of her, and I can only appreciate more the work she does for all women who come to her with hope and disappointment.
18/9/08 (Thursday): Blood tests and ultra-sound at Hadassah Hospital, onward with the plan of 100 cc of Puregon injections for the next several days. They seem to be ignoring the small cysts they saw on the ultra-sound, apparently it is not getting in the way of their projections.
19/9/08 (Friday): Massive fight with my mother because my aunt opened her very large mouth and told my mother that I was trying to get pregnant and didn't want to tell her. All the stress and drama that I was hoping to avoid, right at my doorstep.
21/9/08 (Sunday): Blood tests and ultra-sound, looks like the goal of an IUI on Tuesday has been pushed forward a few days, due to the fact that my follicles aren't quite as large as we would all like. Time again to rearrange my work schedule for the week. I also have an appointment this week with my GP, to try to setting the PCOS question once and for all.
22/9/08 (Monday): My GP believes that I have had enough invasive testing for the moment, that there is no real indicator to presume PCOS, and that the hormones with which I am injecting myself should plow through anything going on down there. Also had a session of fertility acupuncture today, in anticipation of the IUI later this week.
23/9/08 (Tuesday): The acupuncture worked like a charm, while I had three small follicles on Sunday, I now have 5 small to medium follicles. Because of the timing of the Jewish holidays, the schedule should proceed for Thursday, with another session of acupuncture and mega hormones in the next 36 hours.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Veteran of the System (Round 5)
Saturday night, August 23 (Day 5): Started injecting myself with hormones, I seem to be getting better at it with each round.
Monday, August 25 (Day 7): Hadassah hospital for Ultrasound and blood tests. I got there so early and the regular crowd had not arrived yet, and so I was able to leave before eight am, it was a pleasure. The nurse also allowed me to fill out a bunch of forms in advance, practically giving me free reign within the office; in recognition both of my status as somewhat of a veteran of the process, and my status as a medical professional.
I also started reading serious parenting books from two role models in the world of children and psychology: Dr. Phil and Mister Rogers. Understanding the entusiasm and love these two men have for their calling, that of raising the happiest children possible, I cannot help but get excited as well.
Tuesday, August 26 (Day 8): In addition to the normal injections and vitamins, I received an accupuncture treatment from a woman who specializes in cases of fertility, and has apparently helped many women overcome the disappointment of failed pregnancies.
Thursday, August 28 (Day 10): While waiting today for blood tests I spoke to one of the "regulars" and we started comparing the common experience of anticipation and dissapointment every cycle. I suggested to her that we speak on a regular basis, when we need to, to be each other's support system. As we started talking about our families reaction to our choice, turned out we had a lot in common: she comes from a religious Sephardic family and they, like my own parents, are having a very hard time dealing with the possibility that thier daughter will conceive a child without a proper husband. They called her decision to enter into IUI selfish. (In contrast, my parents have not called me anything, as they refuse to discuss it...)
After the ultra-sound, the technicial asked me if I was still spotting, as there had been blood when she was checking for follicles. Concerned, I asked the doctors what the blood meant, and he answered that the tech probably scratched some other biological part along the way. Meanwhile, the IUI is scheduled for next Monday.
I went to a BBQ tonight to help a friend celebrate 16 years of living in Israel. There was great wine there, and I abstained - something about alcohol elevating the temperature in the liver, according to the accupuncturist - and I could not help but wonder how the other single men and women who were there would treat me if I had showed up to the party with a belly and sans husband. I would like to think that at least some of the women, who themselves want to be married and have children, would respect the choice.
Some people take on a mortage, I am taking on parenthood.
Monday, August 25 (Day 7): Hadassah hospital for Ultrasound and blood tests. I got there so early and the regular crowd had not arrived yet, and so I was able to leave before eight am, it was a pleasure. The nurse also allowed me to fill out a bunch of forms in advance, practically giving me free reign within the office; in recognition both of my status as somewhat of a veteran of the process, and my status as a medical professional.
I also started reading serious parenting books from two role models in the world of children and psychology: Dr. Phil and Mister Rogers. Understanding the entusiasm and love these two men have for their calling, that of raising the happiest children possible, I cannot help but get excited as well.
Tuesday, August 26 (Day 8): In addition to the normal injections and vitamins, I received an accupuncture treatment from a woman who specializes in cases of fertility, and has apparently helped many women overcome the disappointment of failed pregnancies.
Thursday, August 28 (Day 10): While waiting today for blood tests I spoke to one of the "regulars" and we started comparing the common experience of anticipation and dissapointment every cycle. I suggested to her that we speak on a regular basis, when we need to, to be each other's support system. As we started talking about our families reaction to our choice, turned out we had a lot in common: she comes from a religious Sephardic family and they, like my own parents, are having a very hard time dealing with the possibility that thier daughter will conceive a child without a proper husband. They called her decision to enter into IUI selfish. (In contrast, my parents have not called me anything, as they refuse to discuss it...)
After the ultra-sound, the technicial asked me if I was still spotting, as there had been blood when she was checking for follicles. Concerned, I asked the doctors what the blood meant, and he answered that the tech probably scratched some other biological part along the way. Meanwhile, the IUI is scheduled for next Monday.
I went to a BBQ tonight to help a friend celebrate 16 years of living in Israel. There was great wine there, and I abstained - something about alcohol elevating the temperature in the liver, according to the accupuncturist - and I could not help but wonder how the other single men and women who were there would treat me if I had showed up to the party with a belly and sans husband. I would like to think that at least some of the women, who themselves want to be married and have children, would respect the choice.
Some people take on a mortage, I am taking on parenthood.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Standing Up for Myself
It is Day 31 since I last had my period and my fertility route was put on hold, because my body reacted to the increase in hormone dosage by developing cysts.
No real sign of my period, except for a bit of PMS in the form of stomach cramping and diarrhea this morning, which also could have been from too much dairy eaten last night.
I went to Hadassah Hospital this morning, the ultra-sound examination was cyst-free (yay!) with a thick uterine opening. The nurse implied that my period is on the way.
I was actually proud of myself for standing up to the nurses. They had given me instructions - without properly reading my file updates - to prepare for a natural IUI, and I immediately challenged it. After one nurse was appalled that I would question her authority, she passed me along to another nurse in the office. I explained that if they checked my records, I had done three natural IUI treatments with no success, and thus, the doctor had put me on the hormone-assisted IUI path; there is no sense in continuing to do something that has not worked in the past. The second nurse humored me, and said she would confer with the doctor again.
One hour later, she called me back and admitted I was right, and told me to prepare for Puregon injections on Day 5. After not insisting hard enough in the beginning of July that I needed a break, I am now taking my body and my inner voice much more seriously.
Now all I need to do is get my stress levels under control, so that it does not interfere with this process.
No real sign of my period, except for a bit of PMS in the form of stomach cramping and diarrhea this morning, which also could have been from too much dairy eaten last night.
I went to Hadassah Hospital this morning, the ultra-sound examination was cyst-free (yay!) with a thick uterine opening. The nurse implied that my period is on the way.
I was actually proud of myself for standing up to the nurses. They had given me instructions - without properly reading my file updates - to prepare for a natural IUI, and I immediately challenged it. After one nurse was appalled that I would question her authority, she passed me along to another nurse in the office. I explained that if they checked my records, I had done three natural IUI treatments with no success, and thus, the doctor had put me on the hormone-assisted IUI path; there is no sense in continuing to do something that has not worked in the past. The second nurse humored me, and said she would confer with the doctor again.
One hour later, she called me back and admitted I was right, and told me to prepare for Puregon injections on Day 5. After not insisting hard enough in the beginning of July that I needed a break, I am now taking my body and my inner voice much more seriously.
Now all I need to do is get my stress levels under control, so that it does not interfere with this process.
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