I slept very badly last night, due to a continuing nightmare of the existential variety. Every time I would wake myself up, I thought that once I fell back asleep, my dream state would move onto a different topic, but alas, no. I tossed and turned until four am, when I gave up on the idea of rest.
The dream involved a loss of Passion, it seemed that people, the planet, the Universe itself had given up. As the dream progressed, rivers dried up, words got erased; when I touched a tree or a book or even another human being, they immediately turned to dust. I spent all night watching the world as I know it and imagine it, disappear and die.
When I finally got out of bed this morning, I found that I had lost my voice. Of course, that could be attributed to the virus of the week that Raphaela may have brought home from Gan, or it could be a physical manifestation of the pain and loss I felt during this nightmare.
A friend of mine has suggested that the dreaming will get more and more intense as my parents' visit comes closer, and that the images represent my fear of getting sucked into my parents' needs and expectations. My friend even hinted that I do not want to share Raphaela with her grandparents.
I say, let them spend time with her and let them babysit. And then I can take a nap.
1 comment:
Well, several days after this posting, I think I can come up with some theory as to why my mind and body are reacting to the extreme: after 23 months, I have signs this morning that my period is on its way. A part of me is actually quite excited, and a part of me is having trouble, with all the physical symptoms it entails.
In other news, Raphaela is receiving tooth number four, so we get to suffer together.
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