After a vacation day, and especially after the fun of Purim, Raphaela had other ideas than mine regarding her attendance at Gan. She woke up at 6 am, looked at me, flopped on her stomach and said, "Mommy, I want to go back to sleep." When that plan didn't work, we had the following conversation:
Raphaela: I must stay home today, I am so sick.
Mommy: Let me take your temperature... (digital thermometer) 36.5, you are perfectly healthy.
Raphaela: I think you should take my temperature again, just to be sure.
Mommy: (digital thermometer) 36.5, you are not sick, hooray! We are going to Gan.
Raphaela: But I need the strawberry medicine! [Acamoli, children's aspirin]
Mommy: You only get Acamoli when you have fever, and you don't have fever, and you are not sick.
Raphaela: (Pauses, you can see the wheels turning inside her head) COUGH COUGH! That's a terrible cough! You don't like it when I cough, I need to stay home.
Needless to say, Raphaela realized that her expert acting skills would not convince me, and she agreed to get dressed and go to Gan. No matter, she has another vacation day this Friday for the Jerusalem Marathon, an event which will close half the streets in the city and most of my area. One which I will observe this year, and hopefully participate next year.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Purim Day 2013
Only in Israel can a grown-up go to the zoo in costume, and fit right in with all the other adults and children, all dressed up in honor of the day and proud to show off their Purim identities in public.
Though continuing to refuse to wear any sort of costume, Raphaela quite enjoyed seeing the animals, especially because she has developed a crush on Diego, and she aspires to be an Animal Rescuer some day.
Later, at the Purim Feast I have attended at the same family for the last 16 years, the host pulled me aside and said, "Motherhood has done wonderful things for you, I can see your inner joy on your face."
We will both sleep very well tonight, both of us exhausted from the day, and as I said to Raphaela, "Even Superman has to rest sometimes."
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
Un-Adoption
How am I supposed to work on my trust issues when people who supposedly care about me keep breaking my trust? How much longer can I hold onto my hopeful optimism regarding humanity before I slip into my former New Yorker "Lord of the Flies" cynicism?
Savta Shira - a woman who has known me for over 13 years, a woman who accompanied me to every ultrasound when I was pregnant, a woman who said she wanted to watch Raphaela grow up into adulthood - has officially un-adopted Raphaela and me from her Israeli family. I received an email, her first communication since she lambasted me as a mother in October 2012, in which she explained that she is "putting her guard up," and that she has come to the conclusion that no one else is important or worth her love and effort besides immediate blood relatives. That she doesn't have the space for us, emotionally or physically, and that we are expendable; that she had only "hesitantly" agreed to be Raphaela's Israeli grandmother as a space filler for her children who lived in the States.
There will be no more holidays spent together, and she is "unavailable" to me if I need a sounding board.
Then after another snide comment about my parenting skills, she said that "maybe in two months...when her schedule clears a little," she will think about finding the time for us.
I know, it's not about me, it's all her. And yet it doesn't take away the sting or the confusion in my heart.
My first thought was that something has gone terribly wrong in her life. My second thought was that of feeling insulted, wondering why she wouldn't want my friendship and support if Savta Shira was indeed experiencing difficulties. My third thought was "Fuck you! I will not be your collateral damage."
I must think not just about myself, but for Raphaela; it is unreasonable and cruel to bring someone into her life who will float in and out, say she loves my daughter and then disappear for half a year because it is somehow inconvenient. Part of me believes that we are better off without Savta Shira and her inconsistencies, and the other part of me is sad for the loss of the relationship.
At least, I suppose, I can thank Savta Shira for her brutal honesty.
Ever since I can remember, my mother has preached/threatened, "No one will love you as much as your real family. Everyone else will inevitably disappoint you. Every human being on the planet ultimately looks out for themselves."
I pray to G-d my mother's world-view can be proven wrong, but not today.
Savta Shira - a woman who has known me for over 13 years, a woman who accompanied me to every ultrasound when I was pregnant, a woman who said she wanted to watch Raphaela grow up into adulthood - has officially un-adopted Raphaela and me from her Israeli family. I received an email, her first communication since she lambasted me as a mother in October 2012, in which she explained that she is "putting her guard up," and that she has come to the conclusion that no one else is important or worth her love and effort besides immediate blood relatives. That she doesn't have the space for us, emotionally or physically, and that we are expendable; that she had only "hesitantly" agreed to be Raphaela's Israeli grandmother as a space filler for her children who lived in the States.
There will be no more holidays spent together, and she is "unavailable" to me if I need a sounding board.
Then after another snide comment about my parenting skills, she said that "maybe in two months...when her schedule clears a little," she will think about finding the time for us.
I know, it's not about me, it's all her. And yet it doesn't take away the sting or the confusion in my heart.
My first thought was that something has gone terribly wrong in her life. My second thought was that of feeling insulted, wondering why she wouldn't want my friendship and support if Savta Shira was indeed experiencing difficulties. My third thought was "Fuck you! I will not be your collateral damage."
I must think not just about myself, but for Raphaela; it is unreasonable and cruel to bring someone into her life who will float in and out, say she loves my daughter and then disappear for half a year because it is somehow inconvenient. Part of me believes that we are better off without Savta Shira and her inconsistencies, and the other part of me is sad for the loss of the relationship.
At least, I suppose, I can thank Savta Shira for her brutal honesty.
Ever since I can remember, my mother has preached/threatened, "No one will love you as much as your real family. Everyone else will inevitably disappoint you. Every human being on the planet ultimately looks out for themselves."
I pray to G-d my mother's world-view can be proven wrong, but not today.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Purim Party Trauma
For the past three weeks or so, the Gan has been leading the children towards Purim, one of my favorite holidays in Israel. I look forward to that day when all the nursery schools have their parties, you walk through the streets of Jerusalem and it feels like Mardi Gras.
Last night I painted Raphaela's nails, in anticipation of her Butterfly Princess costume. This morning she put on her Butterfly crown and robe. But the closer we got to Gan, the more difficult her behaviour became. She stopped walking, insisted that she did not want to attend the Purim Party, did not care if all the other children were wearing costumes, Raphaela just wanted to go home. Right before the steps of the Gan building she threw off her costume, and while the other children and their parents were celebrating together, taking photos etc., my daughter lay flailing on the floor and crying.
The kid was even willing to give up the promise of a basket full of junk food in order to avoid this day.
It made me frustrated and angry, because I didn't understand her resistance and the sudden change in her attitude. I left her at Gan sobbing in the arms of her nursery teacher.
When I got home, I called one of my closest friends and told her this story, and her reply, concise and accurate: "What's that, a stubborn and independent child? A recalcitrant little person who is exerting her control over her life? An intelligent girl who does not follow the crowd...Hmmm, I wonder where that comes from?"
Then she said the most wise words of all, "It is hard to look in the mirror and see your true self reflected, the good and the less flattering."
I know that my anger towards Raphaela and the situation as a whole was not at all effective and in fact misplaced; I have to let go and let my daughter do what she needs to do at her own pace. It's not like this pattern is new, I saw the same when it came to her walking and toilet training.
I cannot control Raphaela, only give her guidelines and hope that she learns to live within this world in a way that ultimately gives her joy and success.
Last night I painted Raphaela's nails, in anticipation of her Butterfly Princess costume. This morning she put on her Butterfly crown and robe. But the closer we got to Gan, the more difficult her behaviour became. She stopped walking, insisted that she did not want to attend the Purim Party, did not care if all the other children were wearing costumes, Raphaela just wanted to go home. Right before the steps of the Gan building she threw off her costume, and while the other children and their parents were celebrating together, taking photos etc., my daughter lay flailing on the floor and crying.
The kid was even willing to give up the promise of a basket full of junk food in order to avoid this day.
It made me frustrated and angry, because I didn't understand her resistance and the sudden change in her attitude. I left her at Gan sobbing in the arms of her nursery teacher.
When I got home, I called one of my closest friends and told her this story, and her reply, concise and accurate: "What's that, a stubborn and independent child? A recalcitrant little person who is exerting her control over her life? An intelligent girl who does not follow the crowd...Hmmm, I wonder where that comes from?"
Then she said the most wise words of all, "It is hard to look in the mirror and see your true self reflected, the good and the less flattering."
I know that my anger towards Raphaela and the situation as a whole was not at all effective and in fact misplaced; I have to let go and let my daughter do what she needs to do at her own pace. It's not like this pattern is new, I saw the same when it came to her walking and toilet training.
I cannot control Raphaela, only give her guidelines and hope that she learns to live within this world in a way that ultimately gives her joy and success.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Hebr-ish word of the day: CATSIM (The plural of cats...or something like that. I am sure a linguist could decipher the thought process.)
And speaking of our favorite feline, this morning Harry came downstairs with as we walked to Gan. When I came home twenty minutes later, he greeted me at the front door of the building, and rather than coming inside with me, he nuzzled up against me; I picked him up, gave him a snuggle and a deep belly rub, and he happily jumped out of my arms and into the garden to play with his friends.
Perhaps Raphaela and Harry have rubbed off on each other more than I realize.
And speaking of our favorite feline, this morning Harry came downstairs with as we walked to Gan. When I came home twenty minutes later, he greeted me at the front door of the building, and rather than coming inside with me, he nuzzled up against me; I picked him up, gave him a snuggle and a deep belly rub, and he happily jumped out of my arms and into the garden to play with his friends.
Perhaps Raphaela and Harry have rubbed off on each other more than I realize.
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