Before Shabbat

The IUI prodedure, done almost two weeks ago, seemed to have "taken," my body temperature was elevated and I was even feeling minor bouts of nausea. My skin cleared up in the way it only does since I have started this fertility process.

And then two days ago I started to 'smell' my period; women will understand what I mean. And today I started spotting. I have not stopped crying, no matter how rationally people explain to me that this is all part of the fertility cycle.

Of course I won't know for sure until I get a full-fledged period, and until the hospital tells me what I already know on Monday.

The Process, Round Two

I am less naive about the process, and thus am taking the route in a much more somber and realistic manner. Which is not to say that I don't hold onto my hopes and optomistic outlook, just toned down from last time.

I was speaking to a patient yesterday, and new buzz word for an abortion is a "reduction." It amazes me how human beings use language to deny truth, and the associated feelings to such an important decision. One that I hope to never have to consider.

12/5/08: Blood tests and ultra-sound. By their estimation, I should aim for the IUI this Thursday.
13/5/08: Bonus sleep-in day, as I am not required to go to Hadassah Hospital today. So eager am I to be pregnant that I asked them several times if they were sure that it was not necessary.
14/5/08: Blood tests and ultra-sound, was hoping to report for duty tomorrow and was told that it will probably have to wait until Sunday. It does avoid the glitches of George Bush's arrival, and the traffic jams he will cause.
15/5/08: Blood tests and ultra-sound, because of Bush's visit and the chaos it has created in the streets, five women arrived to the Womens Clinic and found it locked, as all the staff people were delayed. My friend from the last cycle, the young Russian woman Yelena and her husband were there, and we chatted; I am sad for her that last round did not work out. Now awaiting word from the hospital vis a vis insemination on Sunday.
17/5/08: Self-injection of hCG hormones, IUI scheduled for Monday despite my concerns that I will miss the height of ovulation. They are the experts, I trust them.
19/5/08: IUI achieved, same doctor as less time. The speculum hurt more, but I felt like the procedure worked better. Blood tests in two weeks, Yom Yerushalaim.

Last Week, Next Round

This past week a crashed, thinking about the difficult timing of the last two cycles, and trying to put myself in a positive place for next week, when I begin my next round of blood tests, ultra sound, and hopefully, insemination.

This past week Israel celebrated its 60th birthday, and I realized that in making the decision and the active choice to try to get pregnant, I no longer fit in socially with many of my single and fearful friends, and I also don't fit in with my married with children friends. I worry that in my single-minded focus on fertility and pregnancy, I have socially isolated myself, and will not have the support group that I will need when G-d Willing the procedure works and I am "with child." I am worried about being a single Mom and not being in a healthy relationship with a nurturing man.

I cried, I started to doubt myself and my higher voice, I started to throw temper tantrums and behave rather badly around the grown up set. Luckily my life coach (TM) was able to talk me down, and encourage me to use this time of Israel's celebrations to socialize outside my comfort zone, take some risks.

Stay tuned as the early morning blood leeching start up next Tuesday.

All in the Family

Speaking to my sister yesterday, before Pessach, she mentioned that she is pregnant with her fourth child, and is due to give birth in November. I am of course pleased for her, she is an excellent mother. My sister-in-law is due to give birth around August with her second child, she and my brother have a girl who is already over a year old, and they will be moving to the DC area in June.

How odd that I am nearing 40 and working on my first child, sans husband, and my siblings are working on expanding their family. Odd but not sad for me, and I look forward to this time next year when G-d willing I join the ranks of motherhood.

And who knows, there may even be a husband in the picture as well, the Universe is capable of surprising me.

Fertility Lottery Ticket

Drank half a bottle of wine last night, check.
Sat with friends today at the cafe and had my first coffee in a month, check.
Will have sushi next week for dinner.

This process of fertility and IUI is like buying a lottery ticket, when the winnings are in the many millions. From the time you buy the ticket until the actual draw, you fantasize and plan how you will spend your millions, how your life will change. You may know full well that the chances are slim that you will be the Grand Prize Winner the first time around, and yet you live in a euphoric bubble.

It was so nice to be pregnant for that week and a half, to speak to my stomach and know that something was new and different, knowing that the statistics work against me. Yet I felt happy and expectant, ready to turn my life upside down with the advent of motherhood.

When my lottery number did not come up this time, I certainly experienced the disappointment, but can't wait for my next cycle, to try again.

The Official Results

The official results of the blood test are in, and even though I was somewhat prepared for the negative answer, hearing it was sad for me, and it made it even harder to pretend at work that everything was cool, and that sniffling was my allergies. I will grieve this very short pregnancy, does it count if it was under two weeks? And once Pessach is over, I will try again.

Meanwhile I am putting a re-frame on this situation (to quote my life coach): now that I am not pregnant for the next month, I can freely imbibe alcohol and coffee, eat sushi, and sit in the sauna. I can take Lorastine for my allergies rather than sneezing myself through the day. I can even get laid for real, lose my virginity and possibly get pregnant the non-Hadassah way.

For tonight, I am shutting off my phones and opening up that bottle of wine that has been tempting me for the last three weeks. Tomorrow I will deal with people.

:-(

I think I started spotting this morning, but it so minor, and this cycle has been very different, that I just don't know. And my Chiropractic kinesiology testing is sending so many mixed signals, because I want this so badly.

If I didn't have to pay my own way, I would cancel all my clients today and wallow a little.

Today I am sad.