Standing Up for Myself

It is Day 31 since I last had my period and my fertility route was put on hold, because my body reacted to the increase in hormone dosage by developing cysts.

No real sign of my period, except for a bit of PMS in the form of stomach cramping and diarrhea this morning, which also could have been from too much dairy eaten last night.

I went to Hadassah Hospital this morning, the ultra-sound examination was cyst-free (yay!) with a thick uterine opening. The nurse implied that my period is on the way.

I was actually proud of myself for standing up to the nurses. They had given me instructions - without properly reading my file updates - to prepare for a natural IUI, and I immediately challenged it. After one nurse was appalled that I would question her authority, she passed me along to another nurse in the office. I explained that if they checked my records, I had done three natural IUI treatments with no success, and thus, the doctor had put me on the hormone-assisted IUI path; there is no sense in continuing to do something that has not worked in the past. The second nurse humored me, and said she would confer with the doctor again.

One hour later, she called me back and admitted I was right, and told me to prepare for Puregon injections on Day 5. After not insisting hard enough in the beginning of July that I needed a break, I am now taking my body and my inner voice much more seriously.

Now all I need to do is get my stress levels under control, so that it does not interfere with this process.

No Clear Answers

Yesterday, when I started the blood test/US route early, it was unclear if I had already gotten my period, though it was clear that my betahCG was zero, not pregnant. Yesterday it was also unclear if I would be able to start the injection regimen this month, because I had already started the follicular stage, and my uterus was juicy.

26/6/08: 11th year anniversary of moving to Israel. Blood tests and ultrasound show increased follicular development and an even juicier uterus. The nurse asked me if I had started real bleeding for a period, I have not, and so we are all unclear on the path this month will take. I still find myself wondering if I should take a break for a month, for sanity's sake.

28/6/08: Mystery solved, a "real" period started this morning. I will go to Hadassah tomorrow and ask if I should now be monitored along the regular procedure, and if they will want me to start injecting myself with hormones on Day 5.

29/6/08: Blood tests and ultrasound at Hadassah Hospital, my body is back on track according to the results. Yelena and her husband tell me that they are pregnant, I couldn't be happier for them.

2/7/08: Blood tests and ultrasound, specifically to determine if I should start taking hormones this evening. And if I cannot, I have been told to continue the natural route, because I don't want to "miss a month." Or at least they don't want me to miss a month "at my age."

3/7/08: Started injecting myself last night, a relatively low dose of 75 cc of hormones. This dosage stands for four days, until my next set of blood tests.

6/7/08: Blood tests and ultrasound, follicles are growing nicely apparently, but I don't know yet if I will have to increase the dosage of the hormones.

8/7/08: Blood tests and ultrasound, Ovitrelle in the afternoon, IUI tomorrow.

Graduation to the Next Level

Three tries, and three times that I became pregnant but did not remain so, like 95% of "natural miscarriages" that occur with women in nature. I met with the doctor today at Hadassah Hospital, and we came up with a new plan, one that involves more aggressive hormones.

When I asked him about his theory as to why the pregnancy is not sticking, he said, "Better not to speculate." That was right before he reminded me that I am turning 40 in less than a month, and I started crying.

Quite frankly, yesterday when I started spotting - despite using Progesterone to lengthen my cycle - I was ready not only to give up on becoming pregnant, but also ready to leave Israel. After 11 years of living here, and almost 40 years old, I never imagined that I would be quite so alone. What makes it worse is that many of my friends who claimed they would "be there" and support me when things got tough, they have all started avoiding me, not returning my phone calls.

Apparently my choice makes them uncomfortable, and it is unfortunate that they cannot get past it and help me. I must get used to this idea, because at the end of the day, I will be getting up at four in the morning to breast feed, I will be taking my child to nursery. It is my life that will change.

Thinking Positive

Even as I was getting my period, there were well-meaning people telling me to "think positive," that if I thought I was pregnant, I would be pregnant. Biology does not work that way, and as much credit as I give to the power of my mind, I was going to get my period.

Not giving up on the traditional medical fertility route, I have added in the guidance of a Chinese homeopath, who agrees with me that my primary issue is a shortened Luteal cycle; my Progesterone levels run out before the fertilized egg can implant.

Now I take folic acid, and herbs, and hopefully together it will give me the edge I need to keep this next pregnancy. I don't want to go into a round of hyper-hormones.

6/5/08: Blood tests and Ultrasound at Hadassah Hospital, on day 7 of this cycle. I have two "good looking" follicles on the right side.
8/5/08: Blood tests and Ultrasound at Hadassah Hospital, some lousy service because the Jewish holiday of Shavuot starts tonight, and thus they are understaffed.
10/5/08: Blood tests and Ultrasound, the technician arrives an hour late and the waiting list grows to 35 women. I get the OK for IUI tomorrow, and don't need to inject myself tonight, as I seem to have had "spontaneous ovulation."
During this cycle, after the IUI, I will be taking natural Progesterone ("Ultrogestan") in order to extend my Luteal phase, and hopefully allow for successful implantation.

Before Shabbat

The IUI prodedure, done almost two weeks ago, seemed to have "taken," my body temperature was elevated and I was even feeling minor bouts of nausea. My skin cleared up in the way it only does since I have started this fertility process.

And then two days ago I started to 'smell' my period; women will understand what I mean. And today I started spotting. I have not stopped crying, no matter how rationally people explain to me that this is all part of the fertility cycle.

Of course I won't know for sure until I get a full-fledged period, and until the hospital tells me what I already know on Monday.

The Process, Round Two

I am less naive about the process, and thus am taking the route in a much more somber and realistic manner. Which is not to say that I don't hold onto my hopes and optomistic outlook, just toned down from last time.

I was speaking to a patient yesterday, and new buzz word for an abortion is a "reduction." It amazes me how human beings use language to deny truth, and the associated feelings to such an important decision. One that I hope to never have to consider.

12/5/08: Blood tests and ultra-sound. By their estimation, I should aim for the IUI this Thursday.
13/5/08: Bonus sleep-in day, as I am not required to go to Hadassah Hospital today. So eager am I to be pregnant that I asked them several times if they were sure that it was not necessary.
14/5/08: Blood tests and ultra-sound, was hoping to report for duty tomorrow and was told that it will probably have to wait until Sunday. It does avoid the glitches of George Bush's arrival, and the traffic jams he will cause.
15/5/08: Blood tests and ultra-sound, because of Bush's visit and the chaos it has created in the streets, five women arrived to the Womens Clinic and found it locked, as all the staff people were delayed. My friend from the last cycle, the young Russian woman Yelena and her husband were there, and we chatted; I am sad for her that last round did not work out. Now awaiting word from the hospital vis a vis insemination on Sunday.
17/5/08: Self-injection of hCG hormones, IUI scheduled for Monday despite my concerns that I will miss the height of ovulation. They are the experts, I trust them.
19/5/08: IUI achieved, same doctor as less time. The speculum hurt more, but I felt like the procedure worked better. Blood tests in two weeks, Yom Yerushalaim.

Last Week, Next Round

This past week a crashed, thinking about the difficult timing of the last two cycles, and trying to put myself in a positive place for next week, when I begin my next round of blood tests, ultra sound, and hopefully, insemination.

This past week Israel celebrated its 60th birthday, and I realized that in making the decision and the active choice to try to get pregnant, I no longer fit in socially with many of my single and fearful friends, and I also don't fit in with my married with children friends. I worry that in my single-minded focus on fertility and pregnancy, I have socially isolated myself, and will not have the support group that I will need when G-d Willing the procedure works and I am "with child." I am worried about being a single Mom and not being in a healthy relationship with a nurturing man.

I cried, I started to doubt myself and my higher voice, I started to throw temper tantrums and behave rather badly around the grown up set. Luckily my life coach (TM) was able to talk me down, and encourage me to use this time of Israel's celebrations to socialize outside my comfort zone, take some risks.

Stay tuned as the early morning blood leeching start up next Tuesday.