tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5488433810039574602.post1035844506194878273..comments2023-10-28T02:50:16.786-07:00Comments on Jewish Single Mom By Choice: The Painful TruthDochttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05261212450148255826noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5488433810039574602.post-62676742921898172342012-10-12T01:52:30.044-07:002012-10-12T01:52:30.044-07:00Sarah,
I have been thinking about the whole forgiv...Sarah,<br />I have been thinking about the whole forgiveness story, because when you forgive someone else, the primary purpose is to allow yourself to let go.<br />There is the American phrase, "forgive and forget," and that is where the larger issue rests for me. I can forgive, but I cannot forget how it made me feel, and I find it hard to regain a full level of trust and vulnerability.<br />The next time (after a suitable break of course) Raphaela and I spend time in their house, I will be much more careful about what I do or say, and I will feel judged on some level, and that makes for an uncomfortable visit, no matter how much I have forgiven.<br />Dochttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05261212450148255826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5488433810039574602.post-42050961182027690282012-10-11T12:45:09.064-07:002012-10-11T12:45:09.064-07:00If Savta Shira is Israeli, there is probably a cul...If Savta Shira is Israeli, there is probably a cultural issue here. She's from a country where kids run around on the street by themselves when they are 4 years old (just a little older than Raphaela), and you are from a country that Israelis see as having over-protective parents. From your own standpoint you are, I'm sure, being a fantastic mother. Israelis will think you are overprotective, that's just the way it is. The question is how much you want to let that bother you, given that you live here on the one hand, and that you need to be yourself on the other.<br /><br />I've been thinking about your post for a couple days now. I know how hurtful her comments were, but I hope you will try to be forgiving. Perhaps the stress of the holidays and having her own biological family around pushed her to her limits and she didn't feel she has anything left for non-biological family. Or the holiday stress just put her in a bad place. If she's been so good to you all these years, I hope you will try to just chalk this up to letting her have a bad moment, and not lose a relationship because she gave you advice you didn't want and don't agree with.Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12012646103361709320noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5488433810039574602.post-32138781823355983592012-10-10T04:34:51.544-07:002012-10-10T04:34:51.544-07:00Commenter Abbi nailed it on the head - I totally a...Commenter Abbi nailed it on the head - I totally agree with her. Arielahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11552520475103960732noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5488433810039574602.post-19392636526063181162012-10-09T23:45:13.845-07:002012-10-09T23:45:13.845-07:00How singularly awful. I'm sorry to say, it sou...How singularly awful. I'm sorry to say, it sounds like you were looking to SS as a kind of "replacement mother/savta" but I think you might have placed too much trust/love in her. How sad to let your guard down to a person like this.<br /><br />First and foremost, seriously, why does she need to tell you she didn't really want you at her home for chag? Why was this necessary? Talk about boundary issues! The only purpose served by this announcement was to hurt you. Then to follow it up with armchair psychobabble is just beyond absurdity. And to finish it off by telling you that you were the talk of the neighborhood is just beyond belief.<br /><br />You must be really aching right now. I completely agree with Amy. This is about her not you, it's about her. I would definitely put some distance between you for a few weeks. Take care.Commenter Abbihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07753256568022159103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5488433810039574602.post-74693768021570972422012-10-09T11:48:18.340-07:002012-10-09T11:48:18.340-07:00A couple of further points. What happens when you ...A couple of further points. What happens when you are visiting isn't the same as what goes on at home. I would never have a stand off with my daughter in someone else's house as the resulting tantrum isn't fair on them. So it may seem that DD is the boss when actually it's a decision I've made to choose my battles.<br />And, we were at home just the two of us for the entire summer and the chagim. I thought there might be some invitations that didn't happen. So in the end I sort of invited myself to my cousin in Netanya for Shabbat when he had sort of hinted that they needed a quiet weekend. I know we imposed and it could have ended similar to your story. However, I needed one Shabbat with other adults and a change of scenery... There are few people who can fully understand this.Rachel Selbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13113411205306116614noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5488433810039574602.post-9133836520702786962012-10-09T11:18:55.752-07:002012-10-09T11:18:55.752-07:00On second thought....
You know, I don't know ...On second thought....<br /><br />You know, I don't know that it's such a good idea, being the object of "help" among SS's friends and family. The fact is that they do not understand how chronic the needs are, and that when one gets involved in a child's life to "help", one has to commit to staying in that child's life, rather than doing something to make oneself feel good ("oh, I helped") and raising expectations and making bonds with the child, then deciding one hasn't the time or energy -- and deciding that's all, that's plenty to have given. It hurts the child; it doesn't help, and it works to destroy a child's sense of trust. It's not like lending a hand temporarily in a two-parent family with lots of relatives around.<br /><br />If you wind up talking about this again, make it clear to SS that this is not a trivial offer -- and that if it is, it shouldn't be made. The reality is that few people are willing to commit longterm to other people's children. You know, I have some very good, close friends here, but I also know that if I needed chronic help from them I'd be out of luck. Even one-off help is hard to get -- suddenly they're busy, they're exhausted, this is inconvenient. Which is all true, they are busy and exhausted, and it is inconvenient. By making the gesture they're showing love and affection, but they don't really want to have to come through.<br /><br />Amy Charleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07001791173242631714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5488433810039574602.post-30895077320439491112012-10-09T11:07:05.004-07:002012-10-09T11:07:05.004-07:00Savta Shira's words are about her. They are no...Savta Shira's words are about her. They are not about you. She is a grieving, exhausted woman, with her own sense of what she's responsible for, and she made a serious mistake in unloading on you like that. If she wants to talk to you again about any of these things, tell her -- without going into details -- that she hurt you deeply and that you believe her delivery had much to do with how she herself is feeling these days, and while you will eventually forgive, you need to be left alone right now -- and, in the meantime, you appreciate the offer of help, so long as the help comes with respect and a sense of boundaries. RR is, after all, your daughter, not her children's daughter, and you, not they, are the mother.<br /><br />It is normal for a single mother to be deeply exhausted in every possible way. This is part of the reality of the situation. That SS doesn't know this is nice for her, but her reaction is ignorant and unhelpful. This is just one of the many injustices heaped on anyone who is suffering in any way -- the people they meet are unlikely to understand, but are likely to judge. <br /><br />I cannot help noticing that the last three years' blogging is punctuated with parenting advice and directives with threats that RR will somehow be RUINED if you don't do xyz. Maybe you have to be 8000 miles way to see how laughable this is. You are dealing with hysterical Israelis who think they're experts. Everything has to go to 11.<br /><br />RR is fine, RR is fine, RR is fine. You are not fine, because you are carrying an inhuman burden. But other people do it and so will you, and one day things will start to get easier, and your beautiful daughter will show you why it was all worth it every time she walks into the room.<br /><br />I would strongly suggest that you have a side-trip built into your November trip, and that you leave early and spend some time with RR in America if your family is treating you and RR poorly. <br /><br />All that said: it is normal for a parent to go on seeing a child as being younger than she is. We're so well-trained to attend to them, and they grow and change so fast that sometimes other people see it first. It may be time to practice with RR -- if you're about to get up and do for her, stop and ask if she's big enough to do it herself. Then ask if you have the energy to let her do it herself, because frankly that can be more work for you. You don't have to make every moment teachable. <br /><br />Treat it as though you were walking in the park and an old woman suddenly crashed into you with her cart. It hurts, she didn't mean to, but go take care of yourself and stay away from her and her cart for a little while. If she keeps insisting on telling you how to raise your daughter, start giving her advice on what Israel does wrong [in some context] and how it can improve. Just talk right over her. Be full of advice. And when she finally gets mad, talk to her gently and say lovey, this is my child. You have your children, you raised them as you thought right, and every one of them can tell you where you went wrong, if they want to. This one's mine and she'll be the judge, not you. Also, she loves you and wants to see you.<br /><br /><br /><br />Amy Charleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07001791173242631714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5488433810039574602.post-46109221451773135892012-10-09T10:48:48.686-07:002012-10-09T10:48:48.686-07:00The fact is that Savta Shira and all other well me...The fact is that Savta Shira and all other well meaning savtas have no experience of being a single mother with no family support whatsoever. <br />I happen to know at least three other single mothers in exactly our situation, all with older daughters and every one of them is a credit to their mother and themselves. Every one of them had a similar upbringing to our daughters. It's not the same as an upbringing with two adults in the house and an extended family but it's not a cause for concern. <br />As long as she feels loved and valued (which she obviously is/does) everything else will fall into place. <br />For the record, my 3yo is also clingy when I am around and of course I no longer go out much as babysitting is so expensive. We are at a certain stage in the life of a single mother, that's all.Rachel Selbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13113411205306116614noreply@blogger.com